Hiding Failure!

I try to be as open and honest with myself and those around as much as I can.  There are certain failures I don't think the Lord necessarily WANTS me to share, but I wouldn't hide them if I was asked to share it.  But today, I find myself reverting back to a familiar pattern that I need to admit to and see if I can stop the cycle from repeating itself.

You see, my back has been bad the last week, and I was out for 3 1/2 days because of it.  Not only do we have a concert tonight, but we have the Renaissance Faire on Saturday as well.  And because of the way things have happened, we're not as prepared as we should be.  That's not the kids' fault, that's mine for not preparing them better.  So when I get frustrated in class because they're not doing what I need them to, and then I find them goofing off and not behaving the way they should, I get extremely angry at them - a few unnamed students in particular.  And then I feel guilty for getting so angry - the whole class doesn't deserve my wrath.

And so I look back at the Colossians 3 that it seems I've been parked in for the last week.  And it talks ALL about how I should behave.  And once again, I see I'm failing miserably.  Try harder? No, it's not for me to TRY anything.  It's my business to be resting in Jesus and allow Him to handle things, because no matter how hard I try, it's only going to get worse.  And Nick has been talking about this lately, too.  Guess it's time for me to listen to my own preaching :).

So here I am, hoping that I can get my act together.  I don't want these kids to think I hate them - if anything, I love them more than most teachers do (to the point of carrying their problems home with me so I can keep them in prayer).

Lord, forgive me for my stupid mistakes and help me do better next time.  Help me to be better prepared in the future.  Don't let me fall into the same traps - I need your guidance and help!

First Day of School

Today was actually a pretty decent day - all except for those three freshmen in my Music Appreciation class who gave me random attitude.  On the first day?  Really?  Anyway, everything else went fairly well considering!  Not sure if I'm looking forward to tomorrow or not.  We shall see, we shall see :).

Only One More Day

I am officially exhausted.  I'm actually getting ready to go to bed at an amazing 9:45 pm.  How crazy is that?  Today really wore me out - and my room isn't anywhere near being ready...but school will start on Wednesday regardless of if I'm ready or not!  I had hoped to have everything in place by the time the students got back, but that's going to be pretty much impossible.  So...I'll do the best I can.

Had two wonderful students come and help me today - and another former...well, a graduate of the school that I never had, but was in my room often enough to be one of mine *grins*.  Good thing, too, because he's a beefcake and did a lot of heavy lifting for me!

Anyway, I don't guess there's much to report.  Just thought I'd drop in and say...wow, only one more day.

Forming New Habits

And so it begins!  I started a new fitness routine this morning.  It was in the back of my mind, but as I was taking Nick to work this morning, I saw John Burroughs running around MCHS and I suddenly felt very guilty *grins*.  He can do it, so can I...besides, I don't want to buy new clothes.  I want to wear the ones I haven't been able to fit into in a while :).  It's a much more rewarding feeling.

Well, just checking in briefly before I head in to work.  Big day today...have to put my room back in order *facedesk*.  This is going to be fun - but I think I have some very sweet cheerleaders who are going to come and help me :).  God, give me the wisdom on how to speak to these kids.  I know they're not firmly grounded in the values they need, but I hope that I'll somehow be able to help them from making mistakes that will hurt them in the end.  Please help me make a difference in their lives even when I may not have it all together, either.

I suddenly wish I had more time in the morning :).  Getting up early ain't quite so bad...I just need to remember to go to bed *grins*.

Hope y'all have a great day - I'm going to do my best to do so :)!

And The Revelation Comes...

This morning while I was cleaning up the kitchen and still thinking about things from the past, the root of the problem became clear.  The Lord gently pointed out my tendency to be covetous and jealous.  Wow.  That commandment that I thought I never had a problem with seems to be the one that is giving me the most problem right now.  I've been coveting other people's lives and I've been jealous of how their lives have turned out without looking at the beauty of my own.  Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that God made me for a specific purpose - that I'm a unique individual with a unique purpose.  Everyone has troubles, yes I recognize that, but somewhere in my mind I keep thinking that I've messed my life up from the way it was supposed to be, so looking at how "right" everyone else's lives look in comparison to the life I thought I was supposed to have causes me to covet what they have.


I think this is spurred by something originally meant for good, however.  The lack of satisfaction isn't necessarily a bad thing.  That drive for more keeps us moving, making us goal oriented people.  I think the problem is what we make our goals.  If I make my goal to be like someone else, it becomes a negative drive.  If I make my goal to be more like Jesus and never be satisfied with the person I am at the moment in light of His power to change me, then it becomes a good thing.


And as a random side note, I'm finding that if I speak outloud when I'm typing/writing, I understand what I'm saying better :D.  Comprehension comes from reading and hearing...and of course doing, but that's the basics of educational psychology.  Some people think you have a strength in a particular mode of learning, whereas I think the best educational strategy is to learn through all three at the same time.  Which is essentially your basic music classroom.  WOOT I'M IN EDCUATIONAL MODE AGAIN!!  Bring on the students!!


Now back to your regularly scheduled program.  I'm thankful for what the Lord has given me.  If you look at my life, the problems I have are no different than your average problems.  They're there to help me grow and teach me more about God's true character and not the one that mankind has tried to paint on him.  I love my husband, because we fit.  Living with another person is always going to be difficult because it requires us to die to ourselves and compromise.   Just another one of life's lesson.  I love my job.  God gives me the opportunity to watch my students grow and turn into beautiful people who can fulfill their potential, and I get to have a small part of helping them do that.  It's awesome :).  And, I get to work with my deepest passion - music.

No, I'm not rich.  No, my house isn't clean.  And no, I can't remember everything I should, and I'm clumsy.  Where I'm weak, God is strong - and he sent me a husband who helps me in more ways than I'm often willing to recognize.  Pride is an ugly thing that often keeps us from recognizing just how social and how non-independent we really are.  Strength doesn't come in being able to accomplish things on your own, but being able to work with others.  You know, that chord woven together by three smaller ones and all.


So momentarily, my world is at peace again.  The upheaval will surely come again, because that's just me.  But that's okay, too, because I have a God who doesn't mind reminding me on a daily basis just how much He loves me and all the ways He has.


And back to getting ready for school....>.< 

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Tonight, I did a bit of Facebook stalking, which eventually moved on to blogger stalking.  I can't explain why things went down as they did, but I have an insatiable curiosity about how my friends have turned out...and yes, I sadly admit, in comparison to me.  I just seem to have this need to know that life hasn't turned out like anyone planned it.  That I'm not the only one that still seems to be completely and totally befuddled by not only how fast time has flown, but everything that has happened in that time.  I know people have been here and done this millions of times over - I'm not the only one in the world that has approached middle age with uncertainty and trepidation.  But it FEELS like I'm the only one, sometimes.


Tonight I read the blogs of a couple I went to school with.  When I had heard they had gotten married, it completely blew my mind.  I had been attracted to the guy during high school, and as only I was prone to do, made a complete and total fool out of myself trying to manipulate the situation to make him like me.  Because in my mind, I've never been good enough for anyone and I've had to work to be what they want instead of being myself.  (That's for another blog, another day).  But I read his version of how he fell in love with her, and it was absolutely beautiful.


I could go on, but I don't want to make this a complete book in one post.  My doctor has me on Progesterone, and has for the past 6 months.  I have learned to expect massive mood swings, general irritation at everything that exists, and just emotional chaos in general.  Tonight, it has left me feeling strangely nostalgic, questioning the decisions I've made in life and wondering how I have allowed some things to go as far as they have.  I think at the heart of the matter, I really am quite lazy, even though I stay busy 24/7.  Maybe it's an excuse to hide from myself and what I really am.  If I focus on everyone else around me, and help them, I won't have to see myself for who I really am.  Because deep down, I'm disturbed to find, I really don't like who I am.  Yes, I've come to grips with who I am, and even to some point, accepted it.  But I don't like it.  I think that's what bothers me the most about life.  How do you learn to be okay with yourself?


At any rate, I've spent the day preparing for school.  I'll be doing that for the rest of the week, actually.  The renovations taking place down the art hall are still far from being finished, but I'm trying to be optimistic and believe that when I walk in on Wednesday, the place will be super clean, my floors and ceilings will be finished, and the mirror that the workers broke on my wall will be replaced.  Maybe optimism isn't the right word...perhaps a dream?  Fantasy?


Well, I suppose I should put an end to this post.  After all, I should still attempt to be productive until I pass out.  I just hope it's not on all the wrong things :).

Starting Over

And I'm blogging again - if I look back through my archives, I probably have 3 or 4 blogs.  I don't want to get rid of them because there's a lot of things poured out over the pages of the very public internet.  I have, however, made most of them private at this point.  This one...I'll let you read *grins*.


I'm in the process of integrating my online life.  It's very easy for a person like me to develop several different online personas.  Google is giving me the opportunity to try and mesh all that together, and well, I'm going to try.  I've been blogging since 2004 according to my very first blog.


So I'm going to try and keep everyone up to date - everyone that wants to be kept up to date at any rate :).


But for now there's a pile of dishes and they're not going to get done by themselves *sighs*.