Today is one of those days where nothing has gone right and I just continue to get angrier and angrier. Today's Bible verse was about counting it all joy when trials come because it produces endurance in you. I'M TRYING - but I'm failing miserably. So I simply need to learn my limits. When I'm this angry, when I'm this upset, just learn to keep my mouth shut. Bite my tongue and just pray for the grace to calm down and not say anything I'll regret. Because fighting and making my point only makes the situation worse. So here's to another season of frustrations. Still thankful, just...tired and frustrated.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Being a Musician...
Things I've learned and struggled with as a musician so far in 37 years:
1. You can never tell someone who hasn't heard you whether you're good or not because you either look like an arrogant fool, or you look like you've overestimated your own ability. And other musicians will be quick to make fun of you if you do so. "He who sings his own praises is usually off key."
2. The older you get and the more things you do musically, the less people realize what all you've done in your life and they begin to think you're just making things up to save face - especially if you bring those things up. And if you continue to try and defend yourself by describing more and more, you only look even more like an idiot to other musicians.
3. The following joke is VERY true: "When you graduate with your Bachelor's Degree, you think you know everything. When you graduate with your Master's Degree, you realize you know nothing. When you graduate with your Doctoral Degree, you realize no one else knows anything, either, so you're actually okay."
4. If you decide to operate in what God has called you to instead of doing whatever you can to promote yourself and jockey for position and fame, people suddenly see you as mediocre and patronize you as if you don't really know what you're doing...after all, "Those who do, teach." (Extreme sarcasm). The circumstances in which you teach are also ignored and becomes a direct relation to how good or bad you are as a musician.
5. You can never estimate someone's ability to sing/play from just one performance because you never know what they're trying to accomplish in that performance. You can also be a loud voice in the midst of 100 and still never be truly heard.
6. The desire to perform and simply "do" music never lessens and never goes away. The lack of doing so with quality musicians who respect one another and their talents and abilities is stifling and often kills you a little bit inside the longer you go without it.
7. There isn't a musician/performer alive who doesn't struggle with ego issues.
8. The most popular musicians are rarely the best musicians, because it's all about who you know and what you do and sacrifice to get there - the best musicians are usually off in a dive somewhere jamming and doing what they love without concern of who's listening and watching.
9. There is ALWAYS someone better than you out there. ALWAYS.
10. No matter how many times someone tells you how good you are or how awesome your performance was, it will only reassure for a brief moment that you pleased the crowd. Because when you think back on your performance and realize all the places you messed up, it will never make you feel better about yourself or your abilities.
11. There are people who do music because it's fun and it's something they're good at. There's also people who treat music as another form of communication because they can't express themselves well in other ways and feel as if music is their life. Neither one of these dictates whether a person is musically talented or not. It has more to do with your personality than it does your ability.
12. The only time professions in music aren't about people is when you're in your own room, recording every track by yourself and playing it back for your enjoyment only. Otherwise, the professions are more about the people you know, who listen, and who interact with you than what you actually do. Learning to manage the public (parents, listeners, fans, congregations) becomes the most important part about your job.
13. It's very difficult as a singer/song writer to separate who you are with what you do because it is a part of you - when you offer a vocal performance or a song you've written that is particularly close to your own emotions and someone critiques or criticizes it, it's difficult not to feel personally attacked. Opinions and personal tastes of others can be crippling to you if you haven't learned that your wealth or value is in who you are and how God made you - and that is a struggle, for me, that has never ceased in some way shape or form.
14. It's very easy to lose sight of what's important when your own personal issues are thrown into the mix of talented people and THEIR personal issues.
15. And finally, about life in general, Mom as right - I should have listened to her more. Mentorship from people who are older and have been there is valuable and keeps us from reinventing the wheel. And just because their life situation is something that you think is less than stellar doesn't discredit them or mean they don't know what they're doing, it just means that this is where their decisions and life's unpredictability has brought them.
Why am I saying all of this? Because over the past two weeks, there have been several instances where people's misinformed opinion of me has surfaced and come to my knowledge, by either a misdirected email or in the subtle way someone's speech is worded. And it's forced me to come back and re-evaluate what I know and what I think about myself. Does it hurt? Somewhat - but it's more aggravating than anything, especially when these people have the ability to keep you from doing something that you truly want to do, and know that you can accomplish.
But as the Bible says in I Peter 5:6 => "So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor."
Ultimately, I'm trying to remember that He knows when, how, and where and that it's what's best for me. So I wait for you and your direction, Lord, because your plans are the best for me, know matter what others think, say, or do. Help me to remain focused on that!!
1. You can never tell someone who hasn't heard you whether you're good or not because you either look like an arrogant fool, or you look like you've overestimated your own ability. And other musicians will be quick to make fun of you if you do so. "He who sings his own praises is usually off key."
2. The older you get and the more things you do musically, the less people realize what all you've done in your life and they begin to think you're just making things up to save face - especially if you bring those things up. And if you continue to try and defend yourself by describing more and more, you only look even more like an idiot to other musicians.
3. The following joke is VERY true: "When you graduate with your Bachelor's Degree, you think you know everything. When you graduate with your Master's Degree, you realize you know nothing. When you graduate with your Doctoral Degree, you realize no one else knows anything, either, so you're actually okay."
4. If you decide to operate in what God has called you to instead of doing whatever you can to promote yourself and jockey for position and fame, people suddenly see you as mediocre and patronize you as if you don't really know what you're doing...after all, "Those who do, teach." (Extreme sarcasm). The circumstances in which you teach are also ignored and becomes a direct relation to how good or bad you are as a musician.
5. You can never estimate someone's ability to sing/play from just one performance because you never know what they're trying to accomplish in that performance. You can also be a loud voice in the midst of 100 and still never be truly heard.
6. The desire to perform and simply "do" music never lessens and never goes away. The lack of doing so with quality musicians who respect one another and their talents and abilities is stifling and often kills you a little bit inside the longer you go without it.
7. There isn't a musician/performer alive who doesn't struggle with ego issues.
8. The most popular musicians are rarely the best musicians, because it's all about who you know and what you do and sacrifice to get there - the best musicians are usually off in a dive somewhere jamming and doing what they love without concern of who's listening and watching.
9. There is ALWAYS someone better than you out there. ALWAYS.
10. No matter how many times someone tells you how good you are or how awesome your performance was, it will only reassure for a brief moment that you pleased the crowd. Because when you think back on your performance and realize all the places you messed up, it will never make you feel better about yourself or your abilities.
11. There are people who do music because it's fun and it's something they're good at. There's also people who treat music as another form of communication because they can't express themselves well in other ways and feel as if music is their life. Neither one of these dictates whether a person is musically talented or not. It has more to do with your personality than it does your ability.
12. The only time professions in music aren't about people is when you're in your own room, recording every track by yourself and playing it back for your enjoyment only. Otherwise, the professions are more about the people you know, who listen, and who interact with you than what you actually do. Learning to manage the public (parents, listeners, fans, congregations) becomes the most important part about your job.
13. It's very difficult as a singer/song writer to separate who you are with what you do because it is a part of you - when you offer a vocal performance or a song you've written that is particularly close to your own emotions and someone critiques or criticizes it, it's difficult not to feel personally attacked. Opinions and personal tastes of others can be crippling to you if you haven't learned that your wealth or value is in who you are and how God made you - and that is a struggle, for me, that has never ceased in some way shape or form.
14. It's very easy to lose sight of what's important when your own personal issues are thrown into the mix of talented people and THEIR personal issues.
15. And finally, about life in general, Mom as right - I should have listened to her more. Mentorship from people who are older and have been there is valuable and keeps us from reinventing the wheel. And just because their life situation is something that you think is less than stellar doesn't discredit them or mean they don't know what they're doing, it just means that this is where their decisions and life's unpredictability has brought them.
Why am I saying all of this? Because over the past two weeks, there have been several instances where people's misinformed opinion of me has surfaced and come to my knowledge, by either a misdirected email or in the subtle way someone's speech is worded. And it's forced me to come back and re-evaluate what I know and what I think about myself. Does it hurt? Somewhat - but it's more aggravating than anything, especially when these people have the ability to keep you from doing something that you truly want to do, and know that you can accomplish.
But as the Bible says in I Peter 5:6 => "So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor."
Ultimately, I'm trying to remember that He knows when, how, and where and that it's what's best for me. So I wait for you and your direction, Lord, because your plans are the best for me, know matter what others think, say, or do. Help me to remain focused on that!!
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Up WAY Too Late...
I'm about to head to bed...it's 4:06 am as I begin writing this. Why write? For one, I'm indulging on milk and cookies before I sleep :). But mostly because I'm listening to music, and once again I find myself not wanting to stop. What is it about music that motivates me, that makes me pensive, that causes me to FEEL so much? Does everyone feel this? Is this level of deep feeling...this movement of who I am at the unique combination of chords and rhythms...is this felt by everyone? It's an obsession as much of a healing element in my life. I know there are others who feel this...who are enraptured by the ecstasy of waves combined to bounce off my ear drums. It speaks to me, it speaks FOR me.
Could THIS be my motivational tool? The opportunity to move in a primal rhythm to various sounds and beats? As ridiculous and archaic as this post may sound to most, I can't help but feel every beat, every sound resound within my soul and my body. I praise God every day for giving me this pleasure. If I can simply prepare these things in a succession that causes me to get up and move, could THAT be the answer to my constant struggle to care for myself? To be selfish enough to take time out to listen to my favorite music while working my body at the same time? Only time will tell...but hopefully with this move into a bigger place with more space, I will find that the pounds will melt off like butter...Please, Lord, make it so.
As a side note, milk and cookies are NOT that great after eating shrimp scampii...the butter and lemon and garlic do NOT mix *grimaces*.
Could THIS be my motivational tool? The opportunity to move in a primal rhythm to various sounds and beats? As ridiculous and archaic as this post may sound to most, I can't help but feel every beat, every sound resound within my soul and my body. I praise God every day for giving me this pleasure. If I can simply prepare these things in a succession that causes me to get up and move, could THAT be the answer to my constant struggle to care for myself? To be selfish enough to take time out to listen to my favorite music while working my body at the same time? Only time will tell...but hopefully with this move into a bigger place with more space, I will find that the pounds will melt off like butter...Please, Lord, make it so.
As a side note, milk and cookies are NOT that great after eating shrimp scampii...the butter and lemon and garlic do NOT mix *grimaces*.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Exercise Happens...
This morning I did 20 squats and 20 wall push-ups. I have to begin working out sometime, right? And I have to begin somewhere, right? All of this came about because I have a few friends on Facebook who have been posting their workout stuff - now, granted, I usually just look at the ones from the skinny people and just kind of get depressed. But one lady, who is bigger, posted her information and I had two simultaneous thoughts run through my head, and I think this probably is a testament to the devil on one shoulder and an angel on another :). The first was, "I'm really proud of her, she cares about herself and is doing something about it." The other was, "OMG she's going to lose more weight than me..." *grins*. Horrible, I know, but I try to be honest about the things going on in my life, even if there aren't really that many people reading my blog.
SO - I got up and did some exercises. First time in like ages when I've been saying "I need to get some exercise" that I actually got up and did some. Maybe that's what I need to get my butt off the couch and moving - some competition.
I need to remember that I have to start SOMEwhere. That's the big issue. So, I'm stopping in to give a report on what I've done so far today - not sure if I necessarily want to post it on Facebook for 1500 friends to see, but maybe that's what I need - an audience to watch me and hold me accountable. Live my life publicly and out loud on purpose. Show the world that I have nothing to hide...except my dirty house that we still haven't cleaned... >.>
Monday, May 5, 2014
Appearances
Tonight I've spent entirely too much time online once again while doing laundry - mostly stalking my random connections on Facebook. But as I look at these beautiful people on FB, I feel a bit depressed. I guess I never realized how getting older would affect my self-esteem. I feel like God is making me a better person on the inside, which I'd much rather be, hands down...but I look in the mirror and I can see the effects of age. I look at my body and I see what I never thought I'd be.
So tonight, I'm listening to Michael Gungor's "Please Be My Strength," because tonight, Lord, I don't have it. I've overbooked myself, I've given out more than I've built up, and I've fallen short over and over. It's the running mantra that Satan would like to keep in my head (and does often) - "You're not good enough, and you'll never be." There are two sides to this coin - because without Jesus, I CAN'T ever be good enough. Nothing in me is good enough because I am human - but everything that God made me and placed in me and has developed in me - HIS life in me...that's what makes me good enough. Jesus thought I was good enough to die for :). So my mind recognizes this things and I fight off the thoughts when I'm strong enough with what the Bible says...but tonight I need the Lord's strength because I can't fight this battle on my own.
I'm also hurting for many of my friends and students. So many things going on that I wish I could help them feel better through. Heartache and confusion seem to be at the core of many situations right now. Lord, help me be the prayer warrior you made me to be and to stand in the gap when they can't stand for themselves. Be my strength and be theirs as well.
So tonight, I'm listening to Michael Gungor's "Please Be My Strength," because tonight, Lord, I don't have it. I've overbooked myself, I've given out more than I've built up, and I've fallen short over and over. It's the running mantra that Satan would like to keep in my head (and does often) - "You're not good enough, and you'll never be." There are two sides to this coin - because without Jesus, I CAN'T ever be good enough. Nothing in me is good enough because I am human - but everything that God made me and placed in me and has developed in me - HIS life in me...that's what makes me good enough. Jesus thought I was good enough to die for :). So my mind recognizes this things and I fight off the thoughts when I'm strong enough with what the Bible says...but tonight I need the Lord's strength because I can't fight this battle on my own.
I'm also hurting for many of my friends and students. So many things going on that I wish I could help them feel better through. Heartache and confusion seem to be at the core of many situations right now. Lord, help me be the prayer warrior you made me to be and to stand in the gap when they can't stand for themselves. Be my strength and be theirs as well.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Club 420
Found out today that a friend of mine just entered the hospital, and that she'll be having her baby tomorrow - on my birthday! I can't tell you how excited that makes me - another friend who was born on same day and same year as me have been texting back and forth because we're so excited about this fact :D. YAY CLUB 420!! (And no, this is not for marijuana :) )
So I need to make sure that THIS is the year that I make the changes I need to in order to save my life. No more fooling around - and the only way this is going to happen is by the power of the Holy Spirit, because food has become my comfort in times of stress, depression, joy, and boredom (and all of those other excuses I need to eat what I want, when I want, and how much of it). I say this all the time - and I should stop declaring it because sometimes I wonder if that's not what is destroying me before I even start - BUT - it's time. And I'll try to keep up with it on this blog as well.
So, wish me luck and pray for me, readers. It's time to make a change and it's not going to be easy.
So I need to make sure that THIS is the year that I make the changes I need to in order to save my life. No more fooling around - and the only way this is going to happen is by the power of the Holy Spirit, because food has become my comfort in times of stress, depression, joy, and boredom (and all of those other excuses I need to eat what I want, when I want, and how much of it). I say this all the time - and I should stop declaring it because sometimes I wonder if that's not what is destroying me before I even start - BUT - it's time. And I'll try to keep up with it on this blog as well.
So, wish me luck and pray for me, readers. It's time to make a change and it's not going to be easy.
Friday, April 18, 2014
A Stirring In My Spirit
Tonight I sit on my Mom's couch, listening to my husband and my brother chat idly. I've decided it's time to begin blogging again. I don't know if anyone will ever see these, but something happened to me last Sunday - I feel the need to begin sharing what I've been thinking again.
I've been watching the news and have been quietly mulling over events over the past few years. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has read Matthew 24 and thought it sounds like what we see. But there are many times that people in the past could have said the same things. The wars and the rumors of wars...the earthquakes, the hurricanes and tsunamis, tidal waves and flooding that destroys while other regions suffer from drought.
But now we're seeing the Jews being forced to register in Ukraine, signs and wonders in the heavens like the 4 blood moons, and it amazes me that people are not seeing the significance of all that is happening.
And then there was Sunday. I was looking in the mirror, getting ready for church, and the thought popped into my head, "I could be taken from the earth in an instant and it would all be over." Not taken as in death, but as in the rapture of the saints. And fear filled my heart - not necessarily an unhealthy fear, but one of that made me ask myself, "How have I spent my time? Have I been about my Father's business?" So later in the church service, I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to get my affairs in order.
And for the first time in my life, I feel as if the time of Jesus' return is closer than it's ever been before. We are living in the last days...we've been saying it for a while...but I can tell...things are shifting. It's coming and people are NOT ready.
So Lord, I pray that you would help me be about your business. Help me refocus and reorder my life to be in line with yours. Thank you for the quickening of my spirit and the warning.
More to come on my conspiracy theories... :)
I've been watching the news and have been quietly mulling over events over the past few years. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has read Matthew 24 and thought it sounds like what we see. But there are many times that people in the past could have said the same things. The wars and the rumors of wars...the earthquakes, the hurricanes and tsunamis, tidal waves and flooding that destroys while other regions suffer from drought.
But now we're seeing the Jews being forced to register in Ukraine, signs and wonders in the heavens like the 4 blood moons, and it amazes me that people are not seeing the significance of all that is happening.
And then there was Sunday. I was looking in the mirror, getting ready for church, and the thought popped into my head, "I could be taken from the earth in an instant and it would all be over." Not taken as in death, but as in the rapture of the saints. And fear filled my heart - not necessarily an unhealthy fear, but one of that made me ask myself, "How have I spent my time? Have I been about my Father's business?" So later in the church service, I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to get my affairs in order.
And for the first time in my life, I feel as if the time of Jesus' return is closer than it's ever been before. We are living in the last days...we've been saying it for a while...but I can tell...things are shifting. It's coming and people are NOT ready.
So Lord, I pray that you would help me be about your business. Help me refocus and reorder my life to be in line with yours. Thank you for the quickening of my spirit and the warning.
More to come on my conspiracy theories... :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)