Confused

Coming home always creates a mix of emotions.  I love Virginia - the weather is perfect - all four seasons just long enough and full enough that you don't get sick if them.  And nature is just so beautiful here.  I miss the feel of fall - warm enough to be comfortable but cool enough to feel the chill in the air.  Tennessee never quite gets there.  It seems to skip my favorite season every year and just move right into uncomfortably wet, cold weather.

But something seems to happen to me when I'm here as well...feelings of inferiority, of inadequacy, and failure seem to overtake me.  When I look back, I see all the things I've done wrong and I imagine how much everyone really dislikes me.  I get paranoid and convince myself of all the things that are wrong with me and I simply want to hide from everyone in embarrassment and shame.

Then the tension and arguments begin, making it even more stressful.  I feel like I have to escape just to regain my sanity...just so things can return to normal.  But I'm always shaken to the core when I come here.  So God, what are you trying to tell me?  Do I still put on a game-face when I come home? Am I unable to be who I've become here? 

I know that I hurt...but I'm not really sure what I hurt over.  I want to move back here but I'm not really sure what that would accomplish.  I just know I feel completely and totally unsettled in Tennessee whenever I come back home. 

Looking Out the Window

For the first time in two years, I'm staring out the window as I type.  The view isn't spectacular or amazing, but I see trees and sky.  There is natural light and I feel ... alive again.  I never realized just how depressing it is to sit in the living room and work when I can't open the blinds and I can't see natural light.  My creativity has seemed so shot - here, staring out the window at the thunder storm where the lightning is streaming out of the sky, I feel...free, I suppose.  I'm still in the same four walls, but I'm one step closer to nature while in the comfort of air conditioning *grin*.  I am, by nature, a person who should not be separated from nature.  Not really sure if everyone feels that way or not, but I know that when I can't see God's creation and the creativity He displayed in its creation, I feel stifled myself.


And so I feel as if I can be productive.  Not just in things for my job, but also for literary purposes, for musical purposes...just for any creative purpose.  No longer will I want to stay at work to get stuff done - now I'm going to want to come home and work.  What a first - I mean, I don't even have windows in my classroom *grin*.


The down side is that I am looking directly into the back windows of the house behind us.  I have this eery feeling that I'm staring into their bathroom and one day I'm going to see something that maybe I shouldn't.  If I sit just right, the windowpane keeps me from seeing into their windows - it goes straight across all windows.


Just as a side note, I'm thankful for the grant that allowed for the school to purchase laptops for everyone in the building; however, the more I work with this thing the less impressed I am with HP ProBook 4430s.  One wayward swipe and something weird happens to the keyboard.  Just sayin'... *grin*


Well, today was the first official day of school for me - it was unproductive...mostly of my own doing, I will admit.  I will blame the lack of running water and an upset stomach, however, for a lot of it because there were quite a few trips out of the building to find a working bathroom :).  More information than any of you wanted to know, I'm sure...but true none the less.  So I suppose I should get back to work.  I just had to stop and exercise my new found creativity thanks to the desk at a window in the office so that both Dear Husband (DH) and I can utilize the office even though he's at the desk where the desktop computer is.  I feel more productive already *grin*.

Wilderness Road Museum

My mom has been volunteering at the Wilderness Road Museum in Newbern, Virginia, and she gave us a tour and gave me the keys to go look through some of the old buildings on the property that they had renovated.  There was such a rich sense of history about that place that it made me want to write stories about it :).  Maybe I'll start something called Blue Ridge Fiction - write random stories based in the area.  Follow a family through history - I would just have to have the time to research :(.  That's what summers are for!  I know enough that I could get started on something - I just need a decent plot.  I tend to lean toward mysteries and romance *grin*.


Anyway, we head back to Tennessee tonight, and I'm not sure what we're going back to.  Someone had mentioned that the power came back on, but I'm not sure if that's for us or not.  We're heading back late into the evening so we plan to eat dinner with them before we go.  We're heading to that hibachi grill in Roanoke that they all love - they do have some kickin' sushi :).


I had planned on going to the New River or going to Claytor Lake to swim some while here, but Nick doesn't like swimming in the lake.  He's a bit more okay with a river, but still, I miss getting to go in it.  I would love to go skiing again :).


The time to get things ready for school is dwindling and I need to get on the ball!!  I've got some things done, but if I wait too much longer, I'm not going to be ready again like last year.  I couldn't help it then because of the renovations - I couldn't get to any of my stuff - this year I should have no excuse, other than all the traveling *grin*.


At any rate, I'm going to sign off for now.  Should return soon! :)

SWVA and the Blue Ridge Mountains

In honor of my favorite college team, the Virginia Tech Hokies, I'm going to be blogging in maroon this evening.  I'm sitting on the back porch of my mother's house enjoying the nice cool breeze, the sound of illegal fireworks being set off, and the rancid smell of OFF! because my mom's backyard is a breeding ground for mosquitos even though there isn't standing water in sight.  I guess it's all the flowers and bushes she has around.


I'm not going to lie - I miss Virginia badly.  I remember talking to a counselor at Lee University after my father died and talking about being from Virginia.  He made the comment that Virginians were different - not sure what he meant by that, but he made it sound like we were quirky.  It's funny because I always thought it was the weird people in Tennessee *grin*.  If I'm not mistaken, he used the term "blue blood" and I guess it makes sense.  Virginia has a rich history and culture in everything about it - architecture, genealogy, music, storytelling - there aren't many Virginians who can't trace their heritage back to when our families first came to the states.  I miss the Blue Ridge Mountains and the New River and the lakes.


But God currently has me in Athens, TN.  I know some wonderful people there and I'm thankful for those people - especially love my students :).  I just wish I could be closer to home and my family, I guess.  I get homesick every time I come home.  The thought of my Mother's mortality is always in the back of my mind as well.  And the fear of what happens when she IS gone.  I'd like to believe that Jesus will be back before then - but there is no guarantee.


I've been thinking about starting a blog or a Facebook group dedicated to some of the recipes and old ways found in the Appalachians and Blue Ridge Mountains.  The homemade laundry detergent recipe mom gave me this weekend was the catalyst for the idea.  Kind of like the foxfire books, but it would be copyright infringement if I even used the name in there.  The only thing that has really stopped me from doing it is not having a cool or catchy name.  I dunno...not sure I need another group or blog to run *grin*.


Well, I suppose I should get back inside at some point.  I'm just enjoying the night air and the solitude so much.  I have deep roots tied to this area, and I miss everything about it.  I don't know if God will ever bring us back here, but I hope my place in heaven looks like this...and the beach :).

The More I Seek You, The More I Find You

Hello again!  It's been a few weeks since I posted last - it sounds redundant to say that God is doing something - of course He is, He's ALWAYS doing something somewhere.  I guess the correct thing to say is that I'm seeing God move in my own life and in lives that are connected to mine in some way.  I do not claim to see everything, but I do sense that God is revealing some important things to me - better would be to say I'm finally hearing what God has been wanting to tell me and seeing what he's been wanting to show me for a while.  It's just that I'm finally slowing down enough and spending enough time with Him to allow for Him to show me.  It still amazes me how, despite the fact that I realize just how important time with Him is on a daily basis, I still skimp in that area for the purpose of "doing His work."  It's hard for me to remember that my first priority has to be my relationship with Him.  Yes, this is strengthened when I work to accomplish things He has ordained for us to do, but ultimately, knowing Him and loving Him is what we're called to do.  We're called to worship Him.


Ever since Dr. Hong Yong preached on Sunday night at Restoration, I've been going over in my mind just how passionate and desperate those people in China in the underground church were to know more about God.  One underground church of 200 people have only 1 Bible among them.  One group met together at 4:30 am every morning in a cave to worship for two hours before starting their day.  And I have problem getting up to pray for even 5 minutes in the morning?  It was a sobering reality that caused me to weep because of my lack of passion for Jesus.  I don't want to allow the cares of this world to choke out my passion for Jesus - or at least learning more about this love that Jesus and God has for me.  Because there is something in my being that craves for something more than what this world offers me.  Something bigger than any of us - and I want to know and explore it!  It really is true that the more the Lord helps me understand Him, the more I love Him.  That can only be the work of the Holy Spirit, thank God :).


At any rate, I've finally set up my prayer bench and I've begun to bring needs before the Lord again.  It feels so good to pray - I just don't understand why it's so easy for me NOT to do it and to get distracted by things :D (like blogging lol).  Paul said that I do the things I don't want and those things that I do want to do, I don't - at least I'm not the only one with this problem :D.


With that being said I suppose I should get something accomplished today.  Hopefully I'll begin posting things that actually interest others and not just about me rambling and putting my thoughts down on "paper" so I can understand myself better - my online diary for anyone who wishes to see :).

Let It Go! (Grow a Tougher Skin!)

I know I shouldn't be surprised by all of the things that take place in my life, but somehow, I still am.  This summer, I got a distinct call from God to pray more - not just prayer, but intercessory prayer.  There have been a lot of attacks in this past year, and it's only now that I'm realizing I needed the Armor of God on the whole time (funny how that's our focus in VBS this summer) and ready to battle when the time comes.  It's hard not to get angry at the situations and the people in the situations, but the truth of the matter is, Satan is the one at work, not the people.  It may sound superstitious to some and to others it may seem like complete nutzo fundamentalist Christian talk, but it doesn't change the fact that it's true.


I'm beginning to think that a lot of these situations are to help toughen my skin a bit.  I'm an advocate of helping everyone and trying to make everyone happy and at peace.  Not everyone is going to like me, especially now that I'm learning to say no - but I know God has a plan, and I intend to follow Him in that plan.


So what do you do when your brothers and sisters in Christ are being jerks?  I know that there's two sides to every story and I'm not innocent, but I tend to get more drama and grief from my believing friends than those who don't believe.  How do you deal with them?  I guess it's my fault for believing that people want to hear what I have to say *grin*.  Time to let go - I'm sorry, Lord, for hanging on too long.  I pray that you'll bless them on their way but still keep them far from me!

Lessons Learned

I know I probably shouldn't get too deep when trying to think about spiritual matters, but I do think that everyday can be a learning experience from the Holy Spirit.  If you listen close enough, our best friend and teacher usually has something to say about the situations going on in our lives.  Not only that, I think He sets them up that way on purpose.  Our God is great, and to believe that He would be any less involved in HIS children's lives than we want to be in our children's lives would be ridiculous.  I think many of us fail to see Him as a Father.


So the point is, I don't think anything in our life really happens by accident.  God says He guides the steps of the righteous, and I'm sure that means when we're not even paying attention, as well.  There have been many times that I've ended up in the right place at the right time without even realizing it.


Today's lesson?  Unfortunately, I'm not sure I know :(.  I don't think I was listening close enough to find out.  That's the thing - how much time are we spending with Him to give us the chance to find that out?  That's what I want my goal to be - to spend more time getting to know His voice and slowing down enough to hear it.

We shall see...we shall see :)

Self Inspection

The nature of a heavy heart leads to some form of expression, which boils down to me feeling the need to blog.  I have a lot on my heart tonight, but not much on my mind.  I think I'm keeping the thoughts at bay ... partly because I'm tired, but partly because there doesn't seem to be a solution to the thoughts I think.

I think I'm able to recognize something I never realized before.  When physical danger is present, my instinct is to stand and fight.  When emotional pain or danger is present, I want to run away and hide.  I wonder why that is?

Lord, has there ever been a time where you've been my main concern?  Has there ever been a time where I've just forgotten about everything and freely given in to you?  What would it mean to completely give in to you?  I know I haven't given it all to you, but I'm not sure I know what I withhold from you.

There's still so much I don't know about you, Lord...so much I want to learn.  Help me to find those times with you again.  I want to be as close as I can to you.  I want you to clean up my life so that the only thing left is you.  So that you're truly the only thing on my mind.  I truly want you to consume my mind.

I suppose I should go to bed...tomorrow is going to be a long, full day.  The weekend went entirely too fast and I truly don't feel prepared for it to end.  I pray that there would be salvation tomorrow night at the Clear Springs Baptist service and freedom to captives.  Not just a concert...Lord, help me to worship you fully tomorrow night.

But tonight, I need to rest...

Back In the Saddle

Well, now that I've completed my masters, I've got time to pursue some things I've never done before.  For instance, singing in the Athens Area Community Chorus this Spring.  We're singing Brahms "Ein Deutches Requiem" (A German Requiem).  I've sung one of the movements in it and directed another for college, but I was pretty much sight singing the thing tonight.  I did okay - got completely lost and embarrassed in a few places *grin*.  Seems like I'm a bit rusty when it comes to singing.


The frustrating part is the insecurity that I carried in with me.  Instead of being secure in my abilities and my knowledge, I let the fact that Dr. Windt (who is a wonderful, friendly person, of course) is younger than me and already completed a coveted doctorate degree from Cincinnati Conservatory of Music, intimidate me.  I don't know why I'm so intimidated by men!!


But I can't lie - it was wonderful to be able to perform again.  I'm just sad we're only going to be doing one piece - granted it does take 70 minutes to perform *grin*.  I'm just glad I decided to go :).


And on to another day...