Tonight, I did a bit of Facebook stalking, which eventually moved on to blogger stalking. I can't explain why things went down as they did, but I have an insatiable curiosity about how my friends have turned out...and yes, I sadly admit, in comparison to me. I just seem to have this need to know that life hasn't turned out like anyone planned it. That I'm not the only one that still seems to be completely and totally befuddled by not only how fast time has flown, but everything that has happened in that time. I know people have been here and done this millions of times over - I'm not the only one in the world that has approached middle age with uncertainty and trepidation. But it FEELS like I'm the only one, sometimes.
Tonight I read the blogs of a couple I went to school with. When I had heard they had gotten married, it completely blew my mind. I had been attracted to the guy during high school, and as only I was prone to do, made a complete and total fool out of myself trying to manipulate the situation to make him like me. Because in my mind, I've never been good enough for anyone and I've had to work to be what they want instead of being myself. (That's for another blog, another day). But I read his version of how he fell in love with her, and it was absolutely beautiful.
I could go on, but I don't want to make this a complete book in one post. My doctor has me on Progesterone, and has for the past 6 months. I have learned to expect massive mood swings, general irritation at everything that exists, and just emotional chaos in general. Tonight, it has left me feeling strangely nostalgic, questioning the decisions I've made in life and wondering how I have allowed some things to go as far as they have. I think at the heart of the matter, I really am quite lazy, even though I stay busy 24/7. Maybe it's an excuse to hide from myself and what I really am. If I focus on everyone else around me, and help them, I won't have to see myself for who I really am. Because deep down, I'm disturbed to find, I really don't like who I am. Yes, I've come to grips with who I am, and even to some point, accepted it. But I don't like it. I think that's what bothers me the most about life. How do you learn to be okay with yourself?
At any rate, I've spent the day preparing for school. I'll be doing that for the rest of the week, actually. The renovations taking place down the art hall are still far from being finished, but I'm trying to be optimistic and believe that when I walk in on Wednesday, the place will be super clean, my floors and ceilings will be finished, and the mirror that the workers broke on my wall will be replaced. Maybe optimism isn't the right word...perhaps a dream? Fantasy?
Well, I suppose I should put an end to this post. After all, I should still attempt to be productive until I pass out. I just hope it's not on all the wrong things :).
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