Today is a rainy day, and it's bringing everything with it that is normally associated it. Physically, I have a headache and I'm dealing with a cough from allergy drainage. Mentally, I'm fatigued and depressed. Mostly because yet again, I find myself in only one of those flub ups that I can get myself into. I'm good about getting on and disclosing pieces of information, but I never fully reveal everything. I mean, it is the internet and I'm not a complete idiot. Only a little bit of one.
So, I thought I'd get on and try to bleed some of my emotional distress on this page to relieve some emotion. Not sure if it will work at all, but anything is worth a try, right?
Coming to terms with who you are, what your weaknesses are, what an idiot you can be, really is a difficult thing. The older you get, the more you realize all of these things and that you're pretty helpless to be able to control it. I've tried to better myself, but in reality, none of it will ever change without the help of Jesus. Someone that I haven't been in regular contact as of late. I don't know why I continue to avoid him, but I do. None of what I'm doing is working - it doesn't make sense to stay away - and yet I do. Honestly, I'd rather just lay down and sleep my life away now. Don't guess that's possible...
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Oops, I Did It Again!
I'm not going to lie. This past year, especially the past month, has been particularly hard for me. Things are changing in my life and I don't seem to have the power to stop them. Everything that I thought was true seems to not be so true. I know that there is one Truth, but everything else around that seems to be gray and murky all the time. I think I've been more depressed than I have been happy, and that's so unlike me. I've also made some stupid decisions that if I had stopped to think, I never would have made them. Now I'm standing with egg on my face again - probably not to other people, but to myself, and that's what matters. I know better and I did it without even thinking. It's a clear sign that I need to get myself back together, somehow.
Is there an option to simply not do life? Because right now, I'm sure I would take that one.
Is there an option to simply not do life? Because right now, I'm sure I would take that one.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
In A Funk
Fall has always been a time of reflection for me, and often death to things that I hold on to as crutches. This fall has been no different, though I feel like everything I ever knew about myself seems to be falling apart.
You see, I'm a walking oxymoron. I am both a confident, independent person and an insecure, needy person at the same time. I know exactly what I want, and how I want it, and at the same time, I don't know what I want or what decision to even make. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy from the mental calisthenics I seem to have to perform JUST to decide what to fix for dinner.
I'm also not very happy with the decisions I've made for myself. Coming to terms with that is never an easy thing to admit. I'm hoping that there's going to be some kind of break in whatever is going on.
More on this topic later...
You see, I'm a walking oxymoron. I am both a confident, independent person and an insecure, needy person at the same time. I know exactly what I want, and how I want it, and at the same time, I don't know what I want or what decision to even make. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy from the mental calisthenics I seem to have to perform JUST to decide what to fix for dinner.
I'm also not very happy with the decisions I've made for myself. Coming to terms with that is never an easy thing to admit. I'm hoping that there's going to be some kind of break in whatever is going on.
More on this topic later...
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Please, Let Me Explode Into Oblivion
Today is one of those days where nothing has gone right and I just continue to get angrier and angrier. Today's Bible verse was about counting it all joy when trials come because it produces endurance in you. I'M TRYING - but I'm failing miserably. So I simply need to learn my limits. When I'm this angry, when I'm this upset, just learn to keep my mouth shut. Bite my tongue and just pray for the grace to calm down and not say anything I'll regret. Because fighting and making my point only makes the situation worse. So here's to another season of frustrations. Still thankful, just...tired and frustrated.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Being a Musician...
Things I've learned and struggled with as a musician so far in 37 years:
1. You can never tell someone who hasn't heard you whether you're good or not because you either look like an arrogant fool, or you look like you've overestimated your own ability. And other musicians will be quick to make fun of you if you do so. "He who sings his own praises is usually off key."
2. The older you get and the more things you do musically, the less people realize what all you've done in your life and they begin to think you're just making things up to save face - especially if you bring those things up. And if you continue to try and defend yourself by describing more and more, you only look even more like an idiot to other musicians.
3. The following joke is VERY true: "When you graduate with your Bachelor's Degree, you think you know everything. When you graduate with your Master's Degree, you realize you know nothing. When you graduate with your Doctoral Degree, you realize no one else knows anything, either, so you're actually okay."
4. If you decide to operate in what God has called you to instead of doing whatever you can to promote yourself and jockey for position and fame, people suddenly see you as mediocre and patronize you as if you don't really know what you're doing...after all, "Those who do, teach." (Extreme sarcasm). The circumstances in which you teach are also ignored and becomes a direct relation to how good or bad you are as a musician.
5. You can never estimate someone's ability to sing/play from just one performance because you never know what they're trying to accomplish in that performance. You can also be a loud voice in the midst of 100 and still never be truly heard.
6. The desire to perform and simply "do" music never lessens and never goes away. The lack of doing so with quality musicians who respect one another and their talents and abilities is stifling and often kills you a little bit inside the longer you go without it.
7. There isn't a musician/performer alive who doesn't struggle with ego issues.
8. The most popular musicians are rarely the best musicians, because it's all about who you know and what you do and sacrifice to get there - the best musicians are usually off in a dive somewhere jamming and doing what they love without concern of who's listening and watching.
9. There is ALWAYS someone better than you out there. ALWAYS.
10. No matter how many times someone tells you how good you are or how awesome your performance was, it will only reassure for a brief moment that you pleased the crowd. Because when you think back on your performance and realize all the places you messed up, it will never make you feel better about yourself or your abilities.
11. There are people who do music because it's fun and it's something they're good at. There's also people who treat music as another form of communication because they can't express themselves well in other ways and feel as if music is their life. Neither one of these dictates whether a person is musically talented or not. It has more to do with your personality than it does your ability.
12. The only time professions in music aren't about people is when you're in your own room, recording every track by yourself and playing it back for your enjoyment only. Otherwise, the professions are more about the people you know, who listen, and who interact with you than what you actually do. Learning to manage the public (parents, listeners, fans, congregations) becomes the most important part about your job.
13. It's very difficult as a singer/song writer to separate who you are with what you do because it is a part of you - when you offer a vocal performance or a song you've written that is particularly close to your own emotions and someone critiques or criticizes it, it's difficult not to feel personally attacked. Opinions and personal tastes of others can be crippling to you if you haven't learned that your wealth or value is in who you are and how God made you - and that is a struggle, for me, that has never ceased in some way shape or form.
14. It's very easy to lose sight of what's important when your own personal issues are thrown into the mix of talented people and THEIR personal issues.
15. And finally, about life in general, Mom as right - I should have listened to her more. Mentorship from people who are older and have been there is valuable and keeps us from reinventing the wheel. And just because their life situation is something that you think is less than stellar doesn't discredit them or mean they don't know what they're doing, it just means that this is where their decisions and life's unpredictability has brought them.
Why am I saying all of this? Because over the past two weeks, there have been several instances where people's misinformed opinion of me has surfaced and come to my knowledge, by either a misdirected email or in the subtle way someone's speech is worded. And it's forced me to come back and re-evaluate what I know and what I think about myself. Does it hurt? Somewhat - but it's more aggravating than anything, especially when these people have the ability to keep you from doing something that you truly want to do, and know that you can accomplish.
But as the Bible says in I Peter 5:6 => "So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor."
Ultimately, I'm trying to remember that He knows when, how, and where and that it's what's best for me. So I wait for you and your direction, Lord, because your plans are the best for me, know matter what others think, say, or do. Help me to remain focused on that!!
1. You can never tell someone who hasn't heard you whether you're good or not because you either look like an arrogant fool, or you look like you've overestimated your own ability. And other musicians will be quick to make fun of you if you do so. "He who sings his own praises is usually off key."
2. The older you get and the more things you do musically, the less people realize what all you've done in your life and they begin to think you're just making things up to save face - especially if you bring those things up. And if you continue to try and defend yourself by describing more and more, you only look even more like an idiot to other musicians.
3. The following joke is VERY true: "When you graduate with your Bachelor's Degree, you think you know everything. When you graduate with your Master's Degree, you realize you know nothing. When you graduate with your Doctoral Degree, you realize no one else knows anything, either, so you're actually okay."
4. If you decide to operate in what God has called you to instead of doing whatever you can to promote yourself and jockey for position and fame, people suddenly see you as mediocre and patronize you as if you don't really know what you're doing...after all, "Those who do, teach." (Extreme sarcasm). The circumstances in which you teach are also ignored and becomes a direct relation to how good or bad you are as a musician.
5. You can never estimate someone's ability to sing/play from just one performance because you never know what they're trying to accomplish in that performance. You can also be a loud voice in the midst of 100 and still never be truly heard.
6. The desire to perform and simply "do" music never lessens and never goes away. The lack of doing so with quality musicians who respect one another and their talents and abilities is stifling and often kills you a little bit inside the longer you go without it.
7. There isn't a musician/performer alive who doesn't struggle with ego issues.
8. The most popular musicians are rarely the best musicians, because it's all about who you know and what you do and sacrifice to get there - the best musicians are usually off in a dive somewhere jamming and doing what they love without concern of who's listening and watching.
9. There is ALWAYS someone better than you out there. ALWAYS.
10. No matter how many times someone tells you how good you are or how awesome your performance was, it will only reassure for a brief moment that you pleased the crowd. Because when you think back on your performance and realize all the places you messed up, it will never make you feel better about yourself or your abilities.
11. There are people who do music because it's fun and it's something they're good at. There's also people who treat music as another form of communication because they can't express themselves well in other ways and feel as if music is their life. Neither one of these dictates whether a person is musically talented or not. It has more to do with your personality than it does your ability.
12. The only time professions in music aren't about people is when you're in your own room, recording every track by yourself and playing it back for your enjoyment only. Otherwise, the professions are more about the people you know, who listen, and who interact with you than what you actually do. Learning to manage the public (parents, listeners, fans, congregations) becomes the most important part about your job.
13. It's very difficult as a singer/song writer to separate who you are with what you do because it is a part of you - when you offer a vocal performance or a song you've written that is particularly close to your own emotions and someone critiques or criticizes it, it's difficult not to feel personally attacked. Opinions and personal tastes of others can be crippling to you if you haven't learned that your wealth or value is in who you are and how God made you - and that is a struggle, for me, that has never ceased in some way shape or form.
14. It's very easy to lose sight of what's important when your own personal issues are thrown into the mix of talented people and THEIR personal issues.
15. And finally, about life in general, Mom as right - I should have listened to her more. Mentorship from people who are older and have been there is valuable and keeps us from reinventing the wheel. And just because their life situation is something that you think is less than stellar doesn't discredit them or mean they don't know what they're doing, it just means that this is where their decisions and life's unpredictability has brought them.
Why am I saying all of this? Because over the past two weeks, there have been several instances where people's misinformed opinion of me has surfaced and come to my knowledge, by either a misdirected email or in the subtle way someone's speech is worded. And it's forced me to come back and re-evaluate what I know and what I think about myself. Does it hurt? Somewhat - but it's more aggravating than anything, especially when these people have the ability to keep you from doing something that you truly want to do, and know that you can accomplish.
But as the Bible says in I Peter 5:6 => "So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor."
Ultimately, I'm trying to remember that He knows when, how, and where and that it's what's best for me. So I wait for you and your direction, Lord, because your plans are the best for me, know matter what others think, say, or do. Help me to remain focused on that!!
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Up WAY Too Late...
I'm about to head to bed...it's 4:06 am as I begin writing this. Why write? For one, I'm indulging on milk and cookies before I sleep :). But mostly because I'm listening to music, and once again I find myself not wanting to stop. What is it about music that motivates me, that makes me pensive, that causes me to FEEL so much? Does everyone feel this? Is this level of deep feeling...this movement of who I am at the unique combination of chords and rhythms...is this felt by everyone? It's an obsession as much of a healing element in my life. I know there are others who feel this...who are enraptured by the ecstasy of waves combined to bounce off my ear drums. It speaks to me, it speaks FOR me.
Could THIS be my motivational tool? The opportunity to move in a primal rhythm to various sounds and beats? As ridiculous and archaic as this post may sound to most, I can't help but feel every beat, every sound resound within my soul and my body. I praise God every day for giving me this pleasure. If I can simply prepare these things in a succession that causes me to get up and move, could THAT be the answer to my constant struggle to care for myself? To be selfish enough to take time out to listen to my favorite music while working my body at the same time? Only time will tell...but hopefully with this move into a bigger place with more space, I will find that the pounds will melt off like butter...Please, Lord, make it so.
As a side note, milk and cookies are NOT that great after eating shrimp scampii...the butter and lemon and garlic do NOT mix *grimaces*.
Could THIS be my motivational tool? The opportunity to move in a primal rhythm to various sounds and beats? As ridiculous and archaic as this post may sound to most, I can't help but feel every beat, every sound resound within my soul and my body. I praise God every day for giving me this pleasure. If I can simply prepare these things in a succession that causes me to get up and move, could THAT be the answer to my constant struggle to care for myself? To be selfish enough to take time out to listen to my favorite music while working my body at the same time? Only time will tell...but hopefully with this move into a bigger place with more space, I will find that the pounds will melt off like butter...Please, Lord, make it so.
As a side note, milk and cookies are NOT that great after eating shrimp scampii...the butter and lemon and garlic do NOT mix *grimaces*.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Exercise Happens...
This morning I did 20 squats and 20 wall push-ups. I have to begin working out sometime, right? And I have to begin somewhere, right? All of this came about because I have a few friends on Facebook who have been posting their workout stuff - now, granted, I usually just look at the ones from the skinny people and just kind of get depressed. But one lady, who is bigger, posted her information and I had two simultaneous thoughts run through my head, and I think this probably is a testament to the devil on one shoulder and an angel on another :). The first was, "I'm really proud of her, she cares about herself and is doing something about it." The other was, "OMG she's going to lose more weight than me..." *grins*. Horrible, I know, but I try to be honest about the things going on in my life, even if there aren't really that many people reading my blog.
SO - I got up and did some exercises. First time in like ages when I've been saying "I need to get some exercise" that I actually got up and did some. Maybe that's what I need to get my butt off the couch and moving - some competition.
I need to remember that I have to start SOMEwhere. That's the big issue. So, I'm stopping in to give a report on what I've done so far today - not sure if I necessarily want to post it on Facebook for 1500 friends to see, but maybe that's what I need - an audience to watch me and hold me accountable. Live my life publicly and out loud on purpose. Show the world that I have nothing to hide...except my dirty house that we still haven't cleaned... >.>
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