Appearances

Tonight I've spent entirely too much time online once again while doing laundry - mostly stalking my random connections on Facebook.  But as I look at these beautiful people on FB, I feel a bit depressed.  I guess I never realized how getting older would affect my self-esteem.  I feel like God is making me a better person on the inside, which I'd much rather be, hands down...but I look in the mirror and I can see the effects of age.  I look at my body and I see what I never thought I'd be.

So tonight, I'm listening to Michael Gungor's "Please Be My Strength," because tonight, Lord, I don't have it.  I've overbooked myself, I've given out more than I've built up, and I've fallen short over and over.  It's the running mantra that Satan would like to keep in my head (and does often) - "You're not good enough, and you'll never be."  There are two sides to this coin - because without Jesus, I CAN'T ever be good enough.  Nothing in me is good enough because I am human - but everything that God made me and placed in me and has developed in me - HIS life in me...that's what makes me good enough.  Jesus thought I was good enough to die for :).  So my mind recognizes this things and I fight off the thoughts when I'm strong enough with what the Bible says...but tonight I need the Lord's strength because I can't fight this battle on my own.

I'm also hurting for many of my friends and students.  So many things going on that I wish I could help them feel better through.  Heartache and confusion seem to be at the core of many situations right now.  Lord, help me be the prayer warrior you made me to be and to stand in the gap when they can't stand for themselves.  Be my strength and be theirs as well.

A Stirring In My Spirit

Tonight I sit on my Mom's couch, listening to my husband and my brother chat idly.  I've decided it's time to begin blogging again.  I don't know if anyone will ever see these, but something happened to me last Sunday - I feel the need to begin sharing what I've been thinking again.

I've been watching the news and have been quietly mulling over events over the past few years.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who has read Matthew 24 and thought it sounds like what we see.  But there are many times that people in the past could have said the same things.  The wars and the rumors of wars...the earthquakes, the hurricanes and tsunamis, tidal waves and flooding that destroys while other regions suffer from drought.

But now we're seeing the Jews being forced to register in Ukraine, signs and wonders in the heavens like the 4 blood moons, and it amazes me that people are not seeing the significance of all that is happening.

And then there was Sunday.  I was looking in the mirror, getting ready for church, and the thought popped into my head, "I could be taken from the earth in an instant and it would all be over."  Not taken as in death, but as in the rapture of the saints.  And fear filled my heart - not necessarily an unhealthy fear, but one of that made me ask myself, "How have I spent my time?  Have I been about my Father's business?"  So later in the church service, I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to get my affairs in order.

And for the first time in my life, I feel as if the time of Jesus' return is closer than it's ever been before.  We are living in the last days...we've been saying it for a while...but I can tell...things are shifting.  It's coming and people are NOT ready.

So Lord, I pray that you would help me be about your business.  Help me refocus and reorder my life to be in line with yours.  Thank you for the quickening of my spirit and the warning.

More to come on my conspiracy theories... :)

Self Inspection

The nature of a heavy heart leads to some form of expression, which boils down to me feeling the need to blog.  I have a lot on my heart tonight, but not much on my mind.  I think I'm keeping the thoughts at bay ... partly because I'm tired, but partly because there doesn't seem to be a solution to the thoughts I think.

I think I'm able to recognize something I never realized before.  When physical danger is present, my instinct is to stand and fight.  When emotional pain or danger is present, I want to run away and hide.  I wonder why that is?

Lord, has there ever been a time where you've been my main concern?  Has there ever been a time where I've just forgotten about everything and freely given in to you?  What would it mean to completely give in to you?  I know I haven't given it all to you, but I'm not sure I know what I withhold from you.

There's still so much I don't know about you, Lord...so much I want to learn.  Help me to find those times with you again.  I want to be as close as I can to you.  I want you to clean up my life so that the only thing left is you.  So that you're truly the only thing on my mind.  I truly want you to consume my mind.

I suppose I should go to bed...tomorrow is going to be a long, full day.  The weekend went entirely too fast and I truly don't feel prepared for it to end.  I pray that there would be salvation tomorrow night at the Clear Springs Baptist service and freedom to captives.  Not just a concert...Lord, help me to worship you fully tomorrow night.

But tonight, I need to rest...

Hiding Failure!

I try to be as open and honest with myself and those around as much as I can.  There are certain failures I don't think the Lord necessarily WANTS me to share, but I wouldn't hide them if I was asked to share it.  But today, I find myself reverting back to a familiar pattern that I need to admit to and see if I can stop the cycle from repeating itself.

You see, my back has been bad the last week, and I was out for 3 1/2 days because of it.  Not only do we have a concert tonight, but we have the Renaissance Faire on Saturday as well.  And because of the way things have happened, we're not as prepared as we should be.  That's not the kids' fault, that's mine for not preparing them better.  So when I get frustrated in class because they're not doing what I need them to, and then I find them goofing off and not behaving the way they should, I get extremely angry at them - a few unnamed students in particular.  And then I feel guilty for getting so angry - the whole class doesn't deserve my wrath.

And so I look back at the Colossians 3 that it seems I've been parked in for the last week.  And it talks ALL about how I should behave.  And once again, I see I'm failing miserably.  Try harder? No, it's not for me to TRY anything.  It's my business to be resting in Jesus and allow Him to handle things, because no matter how hard I try, it's only going to get worse.  And Nick has been talking about this lately, too.  Guess it's time for me to listen to my own preaching :).

So here I am, hoping that I can get my act together.  I don't want these kids to think I hate them - if anything, I love them more than most teachers do (to the point of carrying their problems home with me so I can keep them in prayer).

Lord, forgive me for my stupid mistakes and help me do better next time.  Help me to be better prepared in the future.  Don't let me fall into the same traps - I need your guidance and help!

And The Revelation Comes...

This morning while I was cleaning up the kitchen and still thinking about things from the past, the root of the problem became clear.  The Lord gently pointed out my tendency to be covetous and jealous.  Wow.  That commandment that I thought I never had a problem with seems to be the one that is giving me the most problem right now.  I've been coveting other people's lives and I've been jealous of how their lives have turned out without looking at the beauty of my own.  Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that God made me for a specific purpose - that I'm a unique individual with a unique purpose.  Everyone has troubles, yes I recognize that, but somewhere in my mind I keep thinking that I've messed my life up from the way it was supposed to be, so looking at how "right" everyone else's lives look in comparison to the life I thought I was supposed to have causes me to covet what they have.


I think this is spurred by something originally meant for good, however.  The lack of satisfaction isn't necessarily a bad thing.  That drive for more keeps us moving, making us goal oriented people.  I think the problem is what we make our goals.  If I make my goal to be like someone else, it becomes a negative drive.  If I make my goal to be more like Jesus and never be satisfied with the person I am at the moment in light of His power to change me, then it becomes a good thing.


And as a random side note, I'm finding that if I speak outloud when I'm typing/writing, I understand what I'm saying better :D.  Comprehension comes from reading and hearing...and of course doing, but that's the basics of educational psychology.  Some people think you have a strength in a particular mode of learning, whereas I think the best educational strategy is to learn through all three at the same time.  Which is essentially your basic music classroom.  WOOT I'M IN EDCUATIONAL MODE AGAIN!!  Bring on the students!!


Now back to your regularly scheduled program.  I'm thankful for what the Lord has given me.  If you look at my life, the problems I have are no different than your average problems.  They're there to help me grow and teach me more about God's true character and not the one that mankind has tried to paint on him.  I love my husband, because we fit.  Living with another person is always going to be difficult because it requires us to die to ourselves and compromise.   Just another one of life's lesson.  I love my job.  God gives me the opportunity to watch my students grow and turn into beautiful people who can fulfill their potential, and I get to have a small part of helping them do that.  It's awesome :).  And, I get to work with my deepest passion - music.

No, I'm not rich.  No, my house isn't clean.  And no, I can't remember everything I should, and I'm clumsy.  Where I'm weak, God is strong - and he sent me a husband who helps me in more ways than I'm often willing to recognize.  Pride is an ugly thing that often keeps us from recognizing just how social and how non-independent we really are.  Strength doesn't come in being able to accomplish things on your own, but being able to work with others.  You know, that chord woven together by three smaller ones and all.


So momentarily, my world is at peace again.  The upheaval will surely come again, because that's just me.  But that's okay, too, because I have a God who doesn't mind reminding me on a daily basis just how much He loves me and all the ways He has.


And back to getting ready for school....>.<