In A Funk

Fall has always been a time of reflection for me, and often death to things that I hold on to as crutches.  This fall has been no different, though I feel like everything I ever knew about myself seems to be falling apart.

You see, I'm a walking oxymoron.  I am both a confident, independent person and an insecure, needy person at the same time.  I know exactly what I want, and how I want it, and at the same time, I don't know what I want or what decision to even make.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy from the mental calisthenics I seem to have to perform JUST to decide what to fix for dinner.

I'm also not very happy with the decisions I've made for myself.  Coming to terms with that is never an easy thing to admit.  I'm hoping that there's going to be some kind of break in whatever is going on.

More on this topic later...

Confused

Coming home always creates a mix of emotions.  I love Virginia - the weather is perfect - all four seasons just long enough and full enough that you don't get sick if them.  And nature is just so beautiful here.  I miss the feel of fall - warm enough to be comfortable but cool enough to feel the chill in the air.  Tennessee never quite gets there.  It seems to skip my favorite season every year and just move right into uncomfortably wet, cold weather.

But something seems to happen to me when I'm here as well...feelings of inferiority, of inadequacy, and failure seem to overtake me.  When I look back, I see all the things I've done wrong and I imagine how much everyone really dislikes me.  I get paranoid and convince myself of all the things that are wrong with me and I simply want to hide from everyone in embarrassment and shame.

Then the tension and arguments begin, making it even more stressful.  I feel like I have to escape just to regain my sanity...just so things can return to normal.  But I'm always shaken to the core when I come here.  So God, what are you trying to tell me?  Do I still put on a game-face when I come home? Am I unable to be who I've become here? 

I know that I hurt...but I'm not really sure what I hurt over.  I want to move back here but I'm not really sure what that would accomplish.  I just know I feel completely and totally unsettled in Tennessee whenever I come back home.