Up WAY Too Late...

I'm about to head to bed...it's 4:06 am as I begin writing this.  Why write?  For one, I'm indulging on milk and cookies before I sleep :).  But mostly because I'm listening to music, and once again I find myself not wanting to stop.  What is it about music that motivates me, that makes me pensive, that causes me to FEEL so much?  Does everyone feel this?  Is this level of deep feeling...this movement of who I am at the unique combination of chords and rhythms...is this felt by everyone?  It's an obsession as much of a healing element in my life.  I know there are others who feel this...who are enraptured by the ecstasy of waves combined to bounce off my ear drums.  It speaks to me, it speaks FOR me.

Could THIS be my motivational tool?  The opportunity to move in a primal rhythm to various sounds and beats?  As ridiculous and archaic as this post may sound to most, I can't help but feel every beat, every sound resound within my soul and my body.  I praise God every day for giving me this pleasure.  If I can simply prepare these things in a succession that causes me to get up and move, could THAT be the answer to my constant struggle to care for myself?  To be selfish enough to take time out to listen to my favorite music while working my body at the same time?  Only time will tell...but hopefully with this move into a bigger place with more space, I will find that the pounds will melt off like butter...Please, Lord, make it so.

As a side note, milk and cookies are NOT that great after eating shrimp scampii...the butter and lemon and garlic do NOT mix *grimaces*. 

Appearances

Tonight I've spent entirely too much time online once again while doing laundry - mostly stalking my random connections on Facebook.  But as I look at these beautiful people on FB, I feel a bit depressed.  I guess I never realized how getting older would affect my self-esteem.  I feel like God is making me a better person on the inside, which I'd much rather be, hands down...but I look in the mirror and I can see the effects of age.  I look at my body and I see what I never thought I'd be.

So tonight, I'm listening to Michael Gungor's "Please Be My Strength," because tonight, Lord, I don't have it.  I've overbooked myself, I've given out more than I've built up, and I've fallen short over and over.  It's the running mantra that Satan would like to keep in my head (and does often) - "You're not good enough, and you'll never be."  There are two sides to this coin - because without Jesus, I CAN'T ever be good enough.  Nothing in me is good enough because I am human - but everything that God made me and placed in me and has developed in me - HIS life in me...that's what makes me good enough.  Jesus thought I was good enough to die for :).  So my mind recognizes this things and I fight off the thoughts when I'm strong enough with what the Bible says...but tonight I need the Lord's strength because I can't fight this battle on my own.

I'm also hurting for many of my friends and students.  So many things going on that I wish I could help them feel better through.  Heartache and confusion seem to be at the core of many situations right now.  Lord, help me be the prayer warrior you made me to be and to stand in the gap when they can't stand for themselves.  Be my strength and be theirs as well.

Self Inspection

The nature of a heavy heart leads to some form of expression, which boils down to me feeling the need to blog.  I have a lot on my heart tonight, but not much on my mind.  I think I'm keeping the thoughts at bay ... partly because I'm tired, but partly because there doesn't seem to be a solution to the thoughts I think.

I think I'm able to recognize something I never realized before.  When physical danger is present, my instinct is to stand and fight.  When emotional pain or danger is present, I want to run away and hide.  I wonder why that is?

Lord, has there ever been a time where you've been my main concern?  Has there ever been a time where I've just forgotten about everything and freely given in to you?  What would it mean to completely give in to you?  I know I haven't given it all to you, but I'm not sure I know what I withhold from you.

There's still so much I don't know about you, Lord...so much I want to learn.  Help me to find those times with you again.  I want to be as close as I can to you.  I want you to clean up my life so that the only thing left is you.  So that you're truly the only thing on my mind.  I truly want you to consume my mind.

I suppose I should go to bed...tomorrow is going to be a long, full day.  The weekend went entirely too fast and I truly don't feel prepared for it to end.  I pray that there would be salvation tomorrow night at the Clear Springs Baptist service and freedom to captives.  Not just a concert...Lord, help me to worship you fully tomorrow night.

But tonight, I need to rest...