Looking Out the Window

For the first time in two years, I'm staring out the window as I type.  The view isn't spectacular or amazing, but I see trees and sky.  There is natural light and I feel ... alive again.  I never realized just how depressing it is to sit in the living room and work when I can't open the blinds and I can't see natural light.  My creativity has seemed so shot - here, staring out the window at the thunder storm where the lightning is streaming out of the sky, I feel...free, I suppose.  I'm still in the same four walls, but I'm one step closer to nature while in the comfort of air conditioning *grin*.  I am, by nature, a person who should not be separated from nature.  Not really sure if everyone feels that way or not, but I know that when I can't see God's creation and the creativity He displayed in its creation, I feel stifled myself.


And so I feel as if I can be productive.  Not just in things for my job, but also for literary purposes, for musical purposes...just for any creative purpose.  No longer will I want to stay at work to get stuff done - now I'm going to want to come home and work.  What a first - I mean, I don't even have windows in my classroom *grin*.


The down side is that I am looking directly into the back windows of the house behind us.  I have this eery feeling that I'm staring into their bathroom and one day I'm going to see something that maybe I shouldn't.  If I sit just right, the windowpane keeps me from seeing into their windows - it goes straight across all windows.


Just as a side note, I'm thankful for the grant that allowed for the school to purchase laptops for everyone in the building; however, the more I work with this thing the less impressed I am with HP ProBook 4430s.  One wayward swipe and something weird happens to the keyboard.  Just sayin'... *grin*


Well, today was the first official day of school for me - it was unproductive...mostly of my own doing, I will admit.  I will blame the lack of running water and an upset stomach, however, for a lot of it because there were quite a few trips out of the building to find a working bathroom :).  More information than any of you wanted to know, I'm sure...but true none the less.  So I suppose I should get back to work.  I just had to stop and exercise my new found creativity thanks to the desk at a window in the office so that both Dear Husband (DH) and I can utilize the office even though he's at the desk where the desktop computer is.  I feel more productive already *grin*.

Hiding Failure!

I try to be as open and honest with myself and those around as much as I can.  There are certain failures I don't think the Lord necessarily WANTS me to share, but I wouldn't hide them if I was asked to share it.  But today, I find myself reverting back to a familiar pattern that I need to admit to and see if I can stop the cycle from repeating itself.

You see, my back has been bad the last week, and I was out for 3 1/2 days because of it.  Not only do we have a concert tonight, but we have the Renaissance Faire on Saturday as well.  And because of the way things have happened, we're not as prepared as we should be.  That's not the kids' fault, that's mine for not preparing them better.  So when I get frustrated in class because they're not doing what I need them to, and then I find them goofing off and not behaving the way they should, I get extremely angry at them - a few unnamed students in particular.  And then I feel guilty for getting so angry - the whole class doesn't deserve my wrath.

And so I look back at the Colossians 3 that it seems I've been parked in for the last week.  And it talks ALL about how I should behave.  And once again, I see I'm failing miserably.  Try harder? No, it's not for me to TRY anything.  It's my business to be resting in Jesus and allow Him to handle things, because no matter how hard I try, it's only going to get worse.  And Nick has been talking about this lately, too.  Guess it's time for me to listen to my own preaching :).

So here I am, hoping that I can get my act together.  I don't want these kids to think I hate them - if anything, I love them more than most teachers do (to the point of carrying their problems home with me so I can keep them in prayer).

Lord, forgive me for my stupid mistakes and help me do better next time.  Help me to be better prepared in the future.  Don't let me fall into the same traps - I need your guidance and help!

First Day of School

Today was actually a pretty decent day - all except for those three freshmen in my Music Appreciation class who gave me random attitude.  On the first day?  Really?  Anyway, everything else went fairly well considering!  Not sure if I'm looking forward to tomorrow or not.  We shall see, we shall see :).

Only One More Day

I am officially exhausted.  I'm actually getting ready to go to bed at an amazing 9:45 pm.  How crazy is that?  Today really wore me out - and my room isn't anywhere near being ready...but school will start on Wednesday regardless of if I'm ready or not!  I had hoped to have everything in place by the time the students got back, but that's going to be pretty much impossible.  So...I'll do the best I can.

Had two wonderful students come and help me today - and another former...well, a graduate of the school that I never had, but was in my room often enough to be one of mine *grins*.  Good thing, too, because he's a beefcake and did a lot of heavy lifting for me!

Anyway, I don't guess there's much to report.  Just thought I'd drop in and say...wow, only one more day.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Tonight, I did a bit of Facebook stalking, which eventually moved on to blogger stalking.  I can't explain why things went down as they did, but I have an insatiable curiosity about how my friends have turned out...and yes, I sadly admit, in comparison to me.  I just seem to have this need to know that life hasn't turned out like anyone planned it.  That I'm not the only one that still seems to be completely and totally befuddled by not only how fast time has flown, but everything that has happened in that time.  I know people have been here and done this millions of times over - I'm not the only one in the world that has approached middle age with uncertainty and trepidation.  But it FEELS like I'm the only one, sometimes.


Tonight I read the blogs of a couple I went to school with.  When I had heard they had gotten married, it completely blew my mind.  I had been attracted to the guy during high school, and as only I was prone to do, made a complete and total fool out of myself trying to manipulate the situation to make him like me.  Because in my mind, I've never been good enough for anyone and I've had to work to be what they want instead of being myself.  (That's for another blog, another day).  But I read his version of how he fell in love with her, and it was absolutely beautiful.


I could go on, but I don't want to make this a complete book in one post.  My doctor has me on Progesterone, and has for the past 6 months.  I have learned to expect massive mood swings, general irritation at everything that exists, and just emotional chaos in general.  Tonight, it has left me feeling strangely nostalgic, questioning the decisions I've made in life and wondering how I have allowed some things to go as far as they have.  I think at the heart of the matter, I really am quite lazy, even though I stay busy 24/7.  Maybe it's an excuse to hide from myself and what I really am.  If I focus on everyone else around me, and help them, I won't have to see myself for who I really am.  Because deep down, I'm disturbed to find, I really don't like who I am.  Yes, I've come to grips with who I am, and even to some point, accepted it.  But I don't like it.  I think that's what bothers me the most about life.  How do you learn to be okay with yourself?


At any rate, I've spent the day preparing for school.  I'll be doing that for the rest of the week, actually.  The renovations taking place down the art hall are still far from being finished, but I'm trying to be optimistic and believe that when I walk in on Wednesday, the place will be super clean, my floors and ceilings will be finished, and the mirror that the workers broke on my wall will be replaced.  Maybe optimism isn't the right word...perhaps a dream?  Fantasy?


Well, I suppose I should put an end to this post.  After all, I should still attempt to be productive until I pass out.  I just hope it's not on all the wrong things :).