Being a Musician...

Things I've learned and struggled with as a musician so far in 37 years:

1. You can never tell someone who hasn't heard you whether you're good or not because you either look like an arrogant fool, or you look like you've overestimated your own ability.  And other musicians will be quick to make fun of you if you do so.  "He who sings his own praises is usually off key."

2. The older you get and the more things you do musically, the less people realize what all you've done in your life and they begin to think you're just making things up to save face - especially if you bring those things up.  And if you continue to try and defend yourself by describing more and more, you only look even more like an idiot to other musicians.

3. The following joke is VERY true: "When you graduate with your Bachelor's Degree, you think you know everything.  When you graduate with your Master's Degree, you realize you know nothing.  When you graduate with your Doctoral Degree, you realize no one else knows anything, either, so you're actually okay."

4.  If you decide to operate in what God has called you to instead of doing whatever you can to promote yourself and jockey for position and fame, people suddenly see you as mediocre and patronize you as if you don't really know what you're doing...after all, "Those who do, teach." (Extreme sarcasm).  The circumstances in which you teach are also ignored and becomes a direct relation to how good or bad you are as a musician.

5. You can never estimate someone's ability to sing/play from just one performance because you never know what they're trying to accomplish in that performance.  You can also be a loud voice in the midst of 100 and still never be truly heard.

6. The desire to perform and simply "do" music never lessens and never goes away.  The lack of doing so with quality musicians who respect one another and their talents and abilities is stifling and often kills you a little bit inside the longer you go without it.

7. There isn't a musician/performer alive who doesn't struggle with ego issues.

8.  The most popular musicians are rarely the best musicians, because it's all about who you know and what you do and sacrifice to get there - the best musicians are usually off in a dive somewhere jamming and doing what they love without concern of who's listening and watching.

9. There is ALWAYS someone better than you out there.  ALWAYS.

10.  No matter how many times someone tells you how good you are or how awesome your performance was, it will only reassure for a brief moment that you pleased the crowd.  Because when you think back on your performance and realize all the places you messed up, it will never make you feel better about yourself or your abilities.

11. There are people who do music because it's fun and it's something they're good at.  There's also people who treat music as another form of communication because they can't express themselves well in other ways and feel as if music is their life.   Neither one of these dictates whether a person is musically talented or not. It has more to do with your personality than it does your ability.

12. The only time professions in music aren't about people is when you're in your own room, recording every track by yourself and playing it back for your enjoyment only.  Otherwise, the professions are more about the people you know, who listen, and who interact with you than what you actually do.  Learning to manage the public (parents, listeners, fans, congregations) becomes the most important part about your job.

13. It's very difficult as a singer/song writer to separate who you are with what you do because it is a part of you - when you offer a vocal performance or a song you've written that is particularly close to your own emotions and someone critiques or criticizes it, it's difficult not to feel personally attacked.  Opinions and personal tastes of others can be crippling to you if you haven't learned that your wealth or value is in who you are and how God made you - and that is a struggle, for me, that has never ceased in some way shape or form.

14. It's very easy to lose sight of what's important when your own personal issues are thrown into the mix of talented people and THEIR personal issues.

15.  And finally, about life in general, Mom as right - I should have listened to her more.  Mentorship from people who are older and have been there is valuable and keeps us from reinventing the wheel.  And just because their life situation is something that you think is less than stellar doesn't discredit them or mean they don't know what they're doing, it just means that this is where their decisions and life's unpredictability has brought them.

Why am I saying all of this?  Because over the past two weeks, there have been several instances where people's misinformed opinion of me has surfaced and come to my knowledge, by either a misdirected email or in the subtle way someone's speech is worded.  And it's forced me to come back and re-evaluate what I know and what I think about myself.  Does it hurt?  Somewhat - but it's more aggravating than anything, especially when these people have the ability to keep you from doing something that you truly want to do, and know that you can accomplish.

But as the Bible says in I Peter 5:6 => "So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor."

Ultimately, I'm trying to remember that He knows when, how, and where and that it's what's best for me.  So I wait for you and your direction, Lord, because your plans are the best for me, know matter what others think, say, or do.  Help me to remain focused on that!!

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Tonight, I did a bit of Facebook stalking, which eventually moved on to blogger stalking.  I can't explain why things went down as they did, but I have an insatiable curiosity about how my friends have turned out...and yes, I sadly admit, in comparison to me.  I just seem to have this need to know that life hasn't turned out like anyone planned it.  That I'm not the only one that still seems to be completely and totally befuddled by not only how fast time has flown, but everything that has happened in that time.  I know people have been here and done this millions of times over - I'm not the only one in the world that has approached middle age with uncertainty and trepidation.  But it FEELS like I'm the only one, sometimes.


Tonight I read the blogs of a couple I went to school with.  When I had heard they had gotten married, it completely blew my mind.  I had been attracted to the guy during high school, and as only I was prone to do, made a complete and total fool out of myself trying to manipulate the situation to make him like me.  Because in my mind, I've never been good enough for anyone and I've had to work to be what they want instead of being myself.  (That's for another blog, another day).  But I read his version of how he fell in love with her, and it was absolutely beautiful.


I could go on, but I don't want to make this a complete book in one post.  My doctor has me on Progesterone, and has for the past 6 months.  I have learned to expect massive mood swings, general irritation at everything that exists, and just emotional chaos in general.  Tonight, it has left me feeling strangely nostalgic, questioning the decisions I've made in life and wondering how I have allowed some things to go as far as they have.  I think at the heart of the matter, I really am quite lazy, even though I stay busy 24/7.  Maybe it's an excuse to hide from myself and what I really am.  If I focus on everyone else around me, and help them, I won't have to see myself for who I really am.  Because deep down, I'm disturbed to find, I really don't like who I am.  Yes, I've come to grips with who I am, and even to some point, accepted it.  But I don't like it.  I think that's what bothers me the most about life.  How do you learn to be okay with yourself?


At any rate, I've spent the day preparing for school.  I'll be doing that for the rest of the week, actually.  The renovations taking place down the art hall are still far from being finished, but I'm trying to be optimistic and believe that when I walk in on Wednesday, the place will be super clean, my floors and ceilings will be finished, and the mirror that the workers broke on my wall will be replaced.  Maybe optimism isn't the right word...perhaps a dream?  Fantasy?


Well, I suppose I should put an end to this post.  After all, I should still attempt to be productive until I pass out.  I just hope it's not on all the wrong things :).