Up WAY Too Late...

I'm about to head to bed...it's 4:06 am as I begin writing this.  Why write?  For one, I'm indulging on milk and cookies before I sleep :).  But mostly because I'm listening to music, and once again I find myself not wanting to stop.  What is it about music that motivates me, that makes me pensive, that causes me to FEEL so much?  Does everyone feel this?  Is this level of deep feeling...this movement of who I am at the unique combination of chords and rhythms...is this felt by everyone?  It's an obsession as much of a healing element in my life.  I know there are others who feel this...who are enraptured by the ecstasy of waves combined to bounce off my ear drums.  It speaks to me, it speaks FOR me.

Could THIS be my motivational tool?  The opportunity to move in a primal rhythm to various sounds and beats?  As ridiculous and archaic as this post may sound to most, I can't help but feel every beat, every sound resound within my soul and my body.  I praise God every day for giving me this pleasure.  If I can simply prepare these things in a succession that causes me to get up and move, could THAT be the answer to my constant struggle to care for myself?  To be selfish enough to take time out to listen to my favorite music while working my body at the same time?  Only time will tell...but hopefully with this move into a bigger place with more space, I will find that the pounds will melt off like butter...Please, Lord, make it so.

As a side note, milk and cookies are NOT that great after eating shrimp scampii...the butter and lemon and garlic do NOT mix *grimaces*. 

The More I Seek You, The More I Find You

Hello again!  It's been a few weeks since I posted last - it sounds redundant to say that God is doing something - of course He is, He's ALWAYS doing something somewhere.  I guess the correct thing to say is that I'm seeing God move in my own life and in lives that are connected to mine in some way.  I do not claim to see everything, but I do sense that God is revealing some important things to me - better would be to say I'm finally hearing what God has been wanting to tell me and seeing what he's been wanting to show me for a while.  It's just that I'm finally slowing down enough and spending enough time with Him to allow for Him to show me.  It still amazes me how, despite the fact that I realize just how important time with Him is on a daily basis, I still skimp in that area for the purpose of "doing His work."  It's hard for me to remember that my first priority has to be my relationship with Him.  Yes, this is strengthened when I work to accomplish things He has ordained for us to do, but ultimately, knowing Him and loving Him is what we're called to do.  We're called to worship Him.


Ever since Dr. Hong Yong preached on Sunday night at Restoration, I've been going over in my mind just how passionate and desperate those people in China in the underground church were to know more about God.  One underground church of 200 people have only 1 Bible among them.  One group met together at 4:30 am every morning in a cave to worship for two hours before starting their day.  And I have problem getting up to pray for even 5 minutes in the morning?  It was a sobering reality that caused me to weep because of my lack of passion for Jesus.  I don't want to allow the cares of this world to choke out my passion for Jesus - or at least learning more about this love that Jesus and God has for me.  Because there is something in my being that craves for something more than what this world offers me.  Something bigger than any of us - and I want to know and explore it!  It really is true that the more the Lord helps me understand Him, the more I love Him.  That can only be the work of the Holy Spirit, thank God :).


At any rate, I've finally set up my prayer bench and I've begun to bring needs before the Lord again.  It feels so good to pray - I just don't understand why it's so easy for me NOT to do it and to get distracted by things :D (like blogging lol).  Paul said that I do the things I don't want and those things that I do want to do, I don't - at least I'm not the only one with this problem :D.


With that being said I suppose I should get something accomplished today.  Hopefully I'll begin posting things that actually interest others and not just about me rambling and putting my thoughts down on "paper" so I can understand myself better - my online diary for anyone who wishes to see :).

And The Revelation Comes...

This morning while I was cleaning up the kitchen and still thinking about things from the past, the root of the problem became clear.  The Lord gently pointed out my tendency to be covetous and jealous.  Wow.  That commandment that I thought I never had a problem with seems to be the one that is giving me the most problem right now.  I've been coveting other people's lives and I've been jealous of how their lives have turned out without looking at the beauty of my own.  Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that God made me for a specific purpose - that I'm a unique individual with a unique purpose.  Everyone has troubles, yes I recognize that, but somewhere in my mind I keep thinking that I've messed my life up from the way it was supposed to be, so looking at how "right" everyone else's lives look in comparison to the life I thought I was supposed to have causes me to covet what they have.


I think this is spurred by something originally meant for good, however.  The lack of satisfaction isn't necessarily a bad thing.  That drive for more keeps us moving, making us goal oriented people.  I think the problem is what we make our goals.  If I make my goal to be like someone else, it becomes a negative drive.  If I make my goal to be more like Jesus and never be satisfied with the person I am at the moment in light of His power to change me, then it becomes a good thing.


And as a random side note, I'm finding that if I speak outloud when I'm typing/writing, I understand what I'm saying better :D.  Comprehension comes from reading and hearing...and of course doing, but that's the basics of educational psychology.  Some people think you have a strength in a particular mode of learning, whereas I think the best educational strategy is to learn through all three at the same time.  Which is essentially your basic music classroom.  WOOT I'M IN EDCUATIONAL MODE AGAIN!!  Bring on the students!!


Now back to your regularly scheduled program.  I'm thankful for what the Lord has given me.  If you look at my life, the problems I have are no different than your average problems.  They're there to help me grow and teach me more about God's true character and not the one that mankind has tried to paint on him.  I love my husband, because we fit.  Living with another person is always going to be difficult because it requires us to die to ourselves and compromise.   Just another one of life's lesson.  I love my job.  God gives me the opportunity to watch my students grow and turn into beautiful people who can fulfill their potential, and I get to have a small part of helping them do that.  It's awesome :).  And, I get to work with my deepest passion - music.

No, I'm not rich.  No, my house isn't clean.  And no, I can't remember everything I should, and I'm clumsy.  Where I'm weak, God is strong - and he sent me a husband who helps me in more ways than I'm often willing to recognize.  Pride is an ugly thing that often keeps us from recognizing just how social and how non-independent we really are.  Strength doesn't come in being able to accomplish things on your own, but being able to work with others.  You know, that chord woven together by three smaller ones and all.


So momentarily, my world is at peace again.  The upheaval will surely come again, because that's just me.  But that's okay, too, because I have a God who doesn't mind reminding me on a daily basis just how much He loves me and all the ways He has.


And back to getting ready for school....>.<