Appearances

Tonight I've spent entirely too much time online once again while doing laundry - mostly stalking my random connections on Facebook.  But as I look at these beautiful people on FB, I feel a bit depressed.  I guess I never realized how getting older would affect my self-esteem.  I feel like God is making me a better person on the inside, which I'd much rather be, hands down...but I look in the mirror and I can see the effects of age.  I look at my body and I see what I never thought I'd be.

So tonight, I'm listening to Michael Gungor's "Please Be My Strength," because tonight, Lord, I don't have it.  I've overbooked myself, I've given out more than I've built up, and I've fallen short over and over.  It's the running mantra that Satan would like to keep in my head (and does often) - "You're not good enough, and you'll never be."  There are two sides to this coin - because without Jesus, I CAN'T ever be good enough.  Nothing in me is good enough because I am human - but everything that God made me and placed in me and has developed in me - HIS life in me...that's what makes me good enough.  Jesus thought I was good enough to die for :).  So my mind recognizes this things and I fight off the thoughts when I'm strong enough with what the Bible says...but tonight I need the Lord's strength because I can't fight this battle on my own.

I'm also hurting for many of my friends and students.  So many things going on that I wish I could help them feel better through.  Heartache and confusion seem to be at the core of many situations right now.  Lord, help me be the prayer warrior you made me to be and to stand in the gap when they can't stand for themselves.  Be my strength and be theirs as well.

Self Inspection

The nature of a heavy heart leads to some form of expression, which boils down to me feeling the need to blog.  I have a lot on my heart tonight, but not much on my mind.  I think I'm keeping the thoughts at bay ... partly because I'm tired, but partly because there doesn't seem to be a solution to the thoughts I think.

I think I'm able to recognize something I never realized before.  When physical danger is present, my instinct is to stand and fight.  When emotional pain or danger is present, I want to run away and hide.  I wonder why that is?

Lord, has there ever been a time where you've been my main concern?  Has there ever been a time where I've just forgotten about everything and freely given in to you?  What would it mean to completely give in to you?  I know I haven't given it all to you, but I'm not sure I know what I withhold from you.

There's still so much I don't know about you, Lord...so much I want to learn.  Help me to find those times with you again.  I want to be as close as I can to you.  I want you to clean up my life so that the only thing left is you.  So that you're truly the only thing on my mind.  I truly want you to consume my mind.

I suppose I should go to bed...tomorrow is going to be a long, full day.  The weekend went entirely too fast and I truly don't feel prepared for it to end.  I pray that there would be salvation tomorrow night at the Clear Springs Baptist service and freedom to captives.  Not just a concert...Lord, help me to worship you fully tomorrow night.

But tonight, I need to rest...