Fall has always been a time of reflection for me, and often death to things that I hold on to as crutches. This fall has been no different, though I feel like everything I ever knew about myself seems to be falling apart.
You see, I'm a walking oxymoron. I am both a confident, independent person and an insecure, needy person at the same time. I know exactly what I want, and how I want it, and at the same time, I don't know what I want or what decision to even make. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy from the mental calisthenics I seem to have to perform JUST to decide what to fix for dinner.
I'm also not very happy with the decisions I've made for myself. Coming to terms with that is never an easy thing to admit. I'm hoping that there's going to be some kind of break in whatever is going on.
More on this topic later...
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Please, Let Me Explode Into Oblivion
Today is one of those days where nothing has gone right and I just continue to get angrier and angrier. Today's Bible verse was about counting it all joy when trials come because it produces endurance in you. I'M TRYING - but I'm failing miserably. So I simply need to learn my limits. When I'm this angry, when I'm this upset, just learn to keep my mouth shut. Bite my tongue and just pray for the grace to calm down and not say anything I'll regret. Because fighting and making my point only makes the situation worse. So here's to another season of frustrations. Still thankful, just...tired and frustrated.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Being a Musician...
Things I've learned and struggled with as a musician so far in 37 years:
1. You can never tell someone who hasn't heard you whether you're good or not because you either look like an arrogant fool, or you look like you've overestimated your own ability. And other musicians will be quick to make fun of you if you do so. "He who sings his own praises is usually off key."
2. The older you get and the more things you do musically, the less people realize what all you've done in your life and they begin to think you're just making things up to save face - especially if you bring those things up. And if you continue to try and defend yourself by describing more and more, you only look even more like an idiot to other musicians.
3. The following joke is VERY true: "When you graduate with your Bachelor's Degree, you think you know everything. When you graduate with your Master's Degree, you realize you know nothing. When you graduate with your Doctoral Degree, you realize no one else knows anything, either, so you're actually okay."
4. If you decide to operate in what God has called you to instead of doing whatever you can to promote yourself and jockey for position and fame, people suddenly see you as mediocre and patronize you as if you don't really know what you're doing...after all, "Those who do, teach." (Extreme sarcasm). The circumstances in which you teach are also ignored and becomes a direct relation to how good or bad you are as a musician.
5. You can never estimate someone's ability to sing/play from just one performance because you never know what they're trying to accomplish in that performance. You can also be a loud voice in the midst of 100 and still never be truly heard.
6. The desire to perform and simply "do" music never lessens and never goes away. The lack of doing so with quality musicians who respect one another and their talents and abilities is stifling and often kills you a little bit inside the longer you go without it.
7. There isn't a musician/performer alive who doesn't struggle with ego issues.
8. The most popular musicians are rarely the best musicians, because it's all about who you know and what you do and sacrifice to get there - the best musicians are usually off in a dive somewhere jamming and doing what they love without concern of who's listening and watching.
9. There is ALWAYS someone better than you out there. ALWAYS.
10. No matter how many times someone tells you how good you are or how awesome your performance was, it will only reassure for a brief moment that you pleased the crowd. Because when you think back on your performance and realize all the places you messed up, it will never make you feel better about yourself or your abilities.
11. There are people who do music because it's fun and it's something they're good at. There's also people who treat music as another form of communication because they can't express themselves well in other ways and feel as if music is their life. Neither one of these dictates whether a person is musically talented or not. It has more to do with your personality than it does your ability.
12. The only time professions in music aren't about people is when you're in your own room, recording every track by yourself and playing it back for your enjoyment only. Otherwise, the professions are more about the people you know, who listen, and who interact with you than what you actually do. Learning to manage the public (parents, listeners, fans, congregations) becomes the most important part about your job.
13. It's very difficult as a singer/song writer to separate who you are with what you do because it is a part of you - when you offer a vocal performance or a song you've written that is particularly close to your own emotions and someone critiques or criticizes it, it's difficult not to feel personally attacked. Opinions and personal tastes of others can be crippling to you if you haven't learned that your wealth or value is in who you are and how God made you - and that is a struggle, for me, that has never ceased in some way shape or form.
14. It's very easy to lose sight of what's important when your own personal issues are thrown into the mix of talented people and THEIR personal issues.
15. And finally, about life in general, Mom as right - I should have listened to her more. Mentorship from people who are older and have been there is valuable and keeps us from reinventing the wheel. And just because their life situation is something that you think is less than stellar doesn't discredit them or mean they don't know what they're doing, it just means that this is where their decisions and life's unpredictability has brought them.
Why am I saying all of this? Because over the past two weeks, there have been several instances where people's misinformed opinion of me has surfaced and come to my knowledge, by either a misdirected email or in the subtle way someone's speech is worded. And it's forced me to come back and re-evaluate what I know and what I think about myself. Does it hurt? Somewhat - but it's more aggravating than anything, especially when these people have the ability to keep you from doing something that you truly want to do, and know that you can accomplish.
But as the Bible says in I Peter 5:6 => "So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor."
Ultimately, I'm trying to remember that He knows when, how, and where and that it's what's best for me. So I wait for you and your direction, Lord, because your plans are the best for me, know matter what others think, say, or do. Help me to remain focused on that!!
1. You can never tell someone who hasn't heard you whether you're good or not because you either look like an arrogant fool, or you look like you've overestimated your own ability. And other musicians will be quick to make fun of you if you do so. "He who sings his own praises is usually off key."
2. The older you get and the more things you do musically, the less people realize what all you've done in your life and they begin to think you're just making things up to save face - especially if you bring those things up. And if you continue to try and defend yourself by describing more and more, you only look even more like an idiot to other musicians.
3. The following joke is VERY true: "When you graduate with your Bachelor's Degree, you think you know everything. When you graduate with your Master's Degree, you realize you know nothing. When you graduate with your Doctoral Degree, you realize no one else knows anything, either, so you're actually okay."
4. If you decide to operate in what God has called you to instead of doing whatever you can to promote yourself and jockey for position and fame, people suddenly see you as mediocre and patronize you as if you don't really know what you're doing...after all, "Those who do, teach." (Extreme sarcasm). The circumstances in which you teach are also ignored and becomes a direct relation to how good or bad you are as a musician.
5. You can never estimate someone's ability to sing/play from just one performance because you never know what they're trying to accomplish in that performance. You can also be a loud voice in the midst of 100 and still never be truly heard.
6. The desire to perform and simply "do" music never lessens and never goes away. The lack of doing so with quality musicians who respect one another and their talents and abilities is stifling and often kills you a little bit inside the longer you go without it.
7. There isn't a musician/performer alive who doesn't struggle with ego issues.
8. The most popular musicians are rarely the best musicians, because it's all about who you know and what you do and sacrifice to get there - the best musicians are usually off in a dive somewhere jamming and doing what they love without concern of who's listening and watching.
9. There is ALWAYS someone better than you out there. ALWAYS.
10. No matter how many times someone tells you how good you are or how awesome your performance was, it will only reassure for a brief moment that you pleased the crowd. Because when you think back on your performance and realize all the places you messed up, it will never make you feel better about yourself or your abilities.
11. There are people who do music because it's fun and it's something they're good at. There's also people who treat music as another form of communication because they can't express themselves well in other ways and feel as if music is their life. Neither one of these dictates whether a person is musically talented or not. It has more to do with your personality than it does your ability.
12. The only time professions in music aren't about people is when you're in your own room, recording every track by yourself and playing it back for your enjoyment only. Otherwise, the professions are more about the people you know, who listen, and who interact with you than what you actually do. Learning to manage the public (parents, listeners, fans, congregations) becomes the most important part about your job.
13. It's very difficult as a singer/song writer to separate who you are with what you do because it is a part of you - when you offer a vocal performance or a song you've written that is particularly close to your own emotions and someone critiques or criticizes it, it's difficult not to feel personally attacked. Opinions and personal tastes of others can be crippling to you if you haven't learned that your wealth or value is in who you are and how God made you - and that is a struggle, for me, that has never ceased in some way shape or form.
14. It's very easy to lose sight of what's important when your own personal issues are thrown into the mix of talented people and THEIR personal issues.
15. And finally, about life in general, Mom as right - I should have listened to her more. Mentorship from people who are older and have been there is valuable and keeps us from reinventing the wheel. And just because their life situation is something that you think is less than stellar doesn't discredit them or mean they don't know what they're doing, it just means that this is where their decisions and life's unpredictability has brought them.
Why am I saying all of this? Because over the past two weeks, there have been several instances where people's misinformed opinion of me has surfaced and come to my knowledge, by either a misdirected email or in the subtle way someone's speech is worded. And it's forced me to come back and re-evaluate what I know and what I think about myself. Does it hurt? Somewhat - but it's more aggravating than anything, especially when these people have the ability to keep you from doing something that you truly want to do, and know that you can accomplish.
But as the Bible says in I Peter 5:6 => "So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor."
Ultimately, I'm trying to remember that He knows when, how, and where and that it's what's best for me. So I wait for you and your direction, Lord, because your plans are the best for me, know matter what others think, say, or do. Help me to remain focused on that!!
Monday, May 5, 2014
Appearances
Tonight I've spent entirely too much time online once again while doing laundry - mostly stalking my random connections on Facebook. But as I look at these beautiful people on FB, I feel a bit depressed. I guess I never realized how getting older would affect my self-esteem. I feel like God is making me a better person on the inside, which I'd much rather be, hands down...but I look in the mirror and I can see the effects of age. I look at my body and I see what I never thought I'd be.
So tonight, I'm listening to Michael Gungor's "Please Be My Strength," because tonight, Lord, I don't have it. I've overbooked myself, I've given out more than I've built up, and I've fallen short over and over. It's the running mantra that Satan would like to keep in my head (and does often) - "You're not good enough, and you'll never be." There are two sides to this coin - because without Jesus, I CAN'T ever be good enough. Nothing in me is good enough because I am human - but everything that God made me and placed in me and has developed in me - HIS life in me...that's what makes me good enough. Jesus thought I was good enough to die for :). So my mind recognizes this things and I fight off the thoughts when I'm strong enough with what the Bible says...but tonight I need the Lord's strength because I can't fight this battle on my own.
I'm also hurting for many of my friends and students. So many things going on that I wish I could help them feel better through. Heartache and confusion seem to be at the core of many situations right now. Lord, help me be the prayer warrior you made me to be and to stand in the gap when they can't stand for themselves. Be my strength and be theirs as well.
So tonight, I'm listening to Michael Gungor's "Please Be My Strength," because tonight, Lord, I don't have it. I've overbooked myself, I've given out more than I've built up, and I've fallen short over and over. It's the running mantra that Satan would like to keep in my head (and does often) - "You're not good enough, and you'll never be." There are two sides to this coin - because without Jesus, I CAN'T ever be good enough. Nothing in me is good enough because I am human - but everything that God made me and placed in me and has developed in me - HIS life in me...that's what makes me good enough. Jesus thought I was good enough to die for :). So my mind recognizes this things and I fight off the thoughts when I'm strong enough with what the Bible says...but tonight I need the Lord's strength because I can't fight this battle on my own.
I'm also hurting for many of my friends and students. So many things going on that I wish I could help them feel better through. Heartache and confusion seem to be at the core of many situations right now. Lord, help me be the prayer warrior you made me to be and to stand in the gap when they can't stand for themselves. Be my strength and be theirs as well.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Let It Go! (Grow a Tougher Skin!)
I know I shouldn't be surprised by all of the things that take place in my life, but somehow, I still am. This summer, I got a distinct call from God to pray more - not just prayer, but intercessory prayer. There have been a lot of attacks in this past year, and it's only now that I'm realizing I needed the Armor of God on the whole time (funny how that's our focus in VBS this summer) and ready to battle when the time comes. It's hard not to get angry at the situations and the people in the situations, but the truth of the matter is, Satan is the one at work, not the people. It may sound superstitious to some and to others it may seem like complete nutzo fundamentalist Christian talk, but it doesn't change the fact that it's true.
I'm beginning to think that a lot of these situations are to help toughen my skin a bit. I'm an advocate of helping everyone and trying to make everyone happy and at peace. Not everyone is going to like me, especially now that I'm learning to say no - but I know God has a plan, and I intend to follow Him in that plan.
So what do you do when your brothers and sisters in Christ are being jerks? I know that there's two sides to every story and I'm not innocent, but I tend to get more drama and grief from my believing friends than those who don't believe. How do you deal with them? I guess it's my fault for believing that people want to hear what I have to say *grin*. Time to let go - I'm sorry, Lord, for hanging on too long. I pray that you'll bless them on their way but still keep them far from me!
I'm beginning to think that a lot of these situations are to help toughen my skin a bit. I'm an advocate of helping everyone and trying to make everyone happy and at peace. Not everyone is going to like me, especially now that I'm learning to say no - but I know God has a plan, and I intend to follow Him in that plan.
So what do you do when your brothers and sisters in Christ are being jerks? I know that there's two sides to every story and I'm not innocent, but I tend to get more drama and grief from my believing friends than those who don't believe. How do you deal with them? I guess it's my fault for believing that people want to hear what I have to say *grin*. Time to let go - I'm sorry, Lord, for hanging on too long. I pray that you'll bless them on their way but still keep them far from me!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
First Day of School
Today was actually a pretty decent day - all except for those three freshmen in my Music Appreciation class who gave me random attitude. On the first day? Really? Anyway, everything else went fairly well considering! Not sure if I'm looking forward to tomorrow or not. We shall see, we shall see :).
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